Buried for Pleasure by Edmund Crispin Read Free Book Online Page A

home.
    â€˜Snug little place,’ he observed, looking about him. ‘Might be a bit quieter, though, mightn’t it?’
    Fen agreed that it might.
    â€˜Well, never mind,’ said Captain Watkyn consolatorily, as though it had been Fen who had complained. ‘You might be very much worse off, if I know anything about it. . . . Well, now, sir, you must let me have your instructions.’
    â€˜What,’ Fen asked, ‘has been happening so far?’
    â€˜A great deal,’ Captain Watkyn replied promptly. ‘A great deal has been happening. In the first place, I’ve induced ten people to nominate you – they’re a job lot, but they’re ratepayers, which is the only thing that matters. So that’s settled. And then, the posters and leaflets have arrived this morning from the printer. He’s taken a devil of a time doing them, but that’s all to the good.’
    â€˜How is it all to the good? I don’t see – –’
    â€˜The point is, old boy,’ Captain Watkyn interrupted, ‘that you get quite an advantage by starting your campaign late. You acquire the charm of novelty. Start too early, and you’ll find people get sick of seeing your silly face peering at them from the hoardings (no offence meant). Now, you’re going to come down on them,’ he said, waxing suddenly picturesque, ‘like the Assyrian on whatever it was. They’ll be bowled over. They won’t have a chance to look about. Then along comes Polling Day, and you’re in.’
    â€˜Yes,’ said Fen dubiously. ‘I dare say that’s so.’
    â€˜You may depend on it, old boy. The old firm knows what it’s doing, believe you me. Now then, we must get down to brass tacks. The posters have been distributed, and they’ll be up by tomorrow.’
    â€˜What is on them?’
    â€˜Well, your photograph, of course,’ Captain Watkyn replied dreamily. ‘And underneath that they say: “Vote for Fen and a Brave New World”.’
    â€˜I scarcely think – –’
    â€˜Now, I know what you’re going to say.’ Captain Watkyn raised one finger monitorily. ‘I know just exactly what you’re going to say. You’re going to say that’s exaggerated, and I agree; I’m with you entirely, make no mistake about that. But we’ve got to face it, old boy: these elections are all a lot of hocus-pocus from beginning to end. It’s what people expect. It’s what people want. And you won’t get into Parliament by saying: “Vote for Fen and a Slightly Better World if you’re Lucky”.’
    â€˜Well, no, I suppose not. . . . All right, then. What about the leaflets?’
    â€˜I have some here.’ Captain Watkyn groped in his pocket and produced a handful of printed matter, which he passed to Fen. ‘ The Candidate Who Will Look After Your Interests ’ it said on the outside.
    Fen studied it bemusedly, while Captain Watkyn went off to get another round of drinks.
    â€˜You’ll like that, I know,’ Captain Watkyn said complacently on his return. ‘It’s one of the best things in its line I’ve ever done.’
    â€˜But all this . . . it isn’t what I wrote to you.’
    â€˜Well, no, not exactly what you wrote to me,’ Captain Watkyn admitted. ‘But you see, old boy, it’s no use trying to stray away from the usual Independent line: you’ll get nowhere if you do.’
    â€˜But what is the usual Independent line?’
    â€˜Just Judging Every Issue on its Own Merits: Freedom from the Party Caucus: that sort ofthing.’
    â€˜Oh. But look here: this says I advocate the abolition of capital punishment, and really, you know, I’m not at all sure that I do.’
    â€˜My dear sir, it doesn’t matter whether you do or not,’ said Captain Watkyn with candour. ‘You must rid yourself of