Buried for Pleasure by Edmund Crispin Read Free Book Online Page B

the idea that you have to try and implement any of these promises once you’re actually elected. The thing is to get votes, and with an Independent candidate you have to fill up election pamphlets with non-Party issues like capital punishment, because the only thing you say about major issues is that everything will be Judged on its Own Merits.’
    â€˜I see. Then when I make speeches I have to stick to these non-Party things?’
    â€˜No, no,’ said Captain Watkyn patiently, ‘you mustn’t on any account do that. You must talk a great deal about the major issues, but you must keep to pious aspirations, mainly.’ An idea occurred to him. ‘Let’s have a test. Imagine I’m a heckler. I say: “What about exports, eh? What about exports?” And your reply is – –’
    Fen considered for a moment and then said:
    â€˜Ah, I’m glad you asked that question, my friend, because it deals with one of the most important problems facing this country today – a problem, I should add, which can be only imperfectly solved by any of the rigid, prejudiced Party policies.
    â€˜â€œWhat about exports?” you say. And I reply: “What about imports?”
    â€˜Ladies and gentlemen, there is no need for me to talk down to you. Politics are a matter of common sense – and common sense is that sphere in which ordinary men and women excel. Apply that criterion to this question of exports; cut through the meaningless tangle of Party verbiage with a clean, bright sword. And what do you find? You find that exports mean imports and imports mean exports. If we wish to import, we must export. If we wish to export, we must import. And the same applies to every other people, of whatever race or creed. The matter is as simple as that.
    â€™â€œSimple,” did I say? Yes, but vitally important, too, as our friend so rightly suggests. All of us want to see England prosperous; all of us want to build for our children and our children’s children a future free from the hideous threat of war. And I’m sure you won’t consider it a selfish aspiration if I say that all of us would like to see a few years of that future ourselves. And why not? It’s a great ideal we’re fighting for, but it isn’t an impossible ideal. . . .
    â€˜Ladies and gentlemen, the world is at the cross-roads: we can go triumphantly forward – or we can relapse into barbarism and fear. And it is for you – everyone of you – to choose which way we shall go.
    â€˜Well, sir, I think perhaps that answers your question. There may be some points I’ve missed, as the monkey said when he fell over the hedgehog. . . .’
    Captain Watkyn was professionally impressed.
    â€˜You’re a natural, old boy,’ he said soberly. ‘Can you keep that sort of thing up?’
    â€˜Indefinitely,’ Fen assured him. ‘The command of cliché comes of having had a literary training.’
    â€˜Then we’re in the money,’ said Captain Watkyn. ‘Here, we must have another drink on that.’
    They had another drink, and Captain Watkyn, sighing contentedly, said:
    â€˜Well, I don’t mind telling you now , Professor Fen, that Lwas a bit nervous at first about how you were going to turn out. I’ve had some queer customers to handle in my time, and sometimes it’s been touch-and-go whether they could put a complete sentence together impromptu. Thank God we don’t have to worry about that .
    â€˜Now let’s map out a plan of campaign. My idea, in addition to the regulation meetings, is to make a separate appeal to each section of the community.’
    â€˜In what way?’
    â€˜Well, I’ve been over the ground pretty thoroughly,’ said Captain Watkyn, ‘and I think I’ve got a fair notion of what we’re up against. This is an easy constituency in a way, because it’s completely