Carnage on the Committee by Ruth Dudley Edwards Read Free Book Online Page A

down, he's only a parrot and I'm me.'
    Amiss put his coffee cup down with a bang. 'Was it Horace that you wanted Plutarch to meet?'
    'Yes.'
    'Jack, are you out of your mind? She'd eat him.'
    'Rubbish. One nip from Horace and Plutarch would learn her lesson. It might make her treat other birds with a bit more respect as well. Anyway, it was just a whim of the moment. Now eat up, eat up and let's get on with matters Warburtonian. What was Geraint Griffiths's reaction to me?'
    Amiss looked enquiringly at Mary Lou. 'She's given me the headlines and all the dramatis personae she could remember,' she assured him. 'I'll tell you if I'm lost.'
    'Geraint was fine - by his standards. He's not stupid, so he must have known he wasn't really a runner, but he was pressing his case as a bargaining counter to make sure neither Den nor Rosa had a chance. By the time I'd told him a few stories about Jack's views on political correctness he began to think he'd suggested her himself. "The crucial point is that the forces of conservatism should be mustered in defence of the values of Western fuckin' civilisation", he told me. "Whatever they say about Jack Troutbeck, I know we can rely on her to defend the citadel against the fuckin' barbarians."'
    'Decent of him. He'd better be sure I don't mistake him for one. Now where are we on the fuzz front? Any news of young Inspector Pooley?'
    'I haven't heard anything since we spoke last night.'
    'Shall I?' asked Mary Lou. She took a phone from her bag and pressed a couple of keys. 'Ellis? Me, darling. I'm here with Jack and Robert and they're thirsting for news about the late Lady Babcock. Right. Right. My, that's interesting .. . Hold on.' She turned to Amiss and the baroness. 'They're sure it's poison and think it might have been ricin.'
    'Dear old Hermione,' grunted the baroness. 'Fashionable to the last. Nothing old-fashioned like arsenic. Ask him if he's on the case yet.'
    'Jack wants to know if you're on the case, Ellis ... Brilliant ... I will . .. Me too. Bye.'
    She beamed. 'He's trying, and it's possible. He'll keep us posted. More coffee?'
    Amiss held out his cup. 'Yes, please. Now, Jack, it's time we got a grip.'
    'That's my line. You've signally failed to give me a coherent briefing.'
    'That's completely your fault. We got distracted onto your reminiscences of you and Den in the sack.'
    Mary Lou sat bolt upright. 'You're not serious. Not Jack and Den Smith. You couldn't have, Jack. He's awful. I know you've got about a lot, but I thought even you were fussier than that.'
    'Don't be so intolerant. It was a long time ago, I was young, I succumbed only once and he came off worst.'
    'Still, you did succumb.'
    Amiss grinned maliciously. 'Don't be unkind to her, Mary Lou. All the girls do at one time or another. Including, I understand, Hermione, Rosa and Wysteria Wilcox. It'll be quite an old girls' reunion.'
    'I know I'm a simple-minded American,' said Mary Lou, suppressing a grin at the outraged expression on the baroness's face, 'but leaving sex out off it, would someone explain to me why anyone listens to that creature? On that programme he was on with Jack, he said America was the most evil empire in the history of the universe and all its citizens were legitimate targets for the oppressed. I know we're a young and naive country and we over-consume, but we're kinda well-meaning and I can't understand why anyone could hate us that much.'
    'Inverted snobbery,' snorted the baroness. 'You Yanks are rich and successful and fundamentally decent: of course they hate you. And you elected George Bush, who is not literary London's American politician of choice.
    which means you deserve annihilation purely on aesthetic grounds.'
    'His stuff on America's only part of it. From what I've heard he seems to hate England even more,' said Mary Lou.
    'How often do I have to tell you that our so-called intellectuals are self-loathing, Mary Lou, and that the best way to their hearts is to knock everything British.