Carnage on the Committee by Ruth Dudley Edwards Read Free Book Online

kedgeree?'
    'Wonderful.'
    'You're so uncritical. I'm not entirely happy. There's something about the texture of the . . .'
    'Praise the haddock, Robert,' intervened Mary Lou.
    'Praise the Lord,' roared the parrot. 'PC rubbish.'
    'Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition,' howled Mary Lou and the baroness. 'Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.'
    The parrot fell silent.
    'Excellent haddock, if I may say so,' said Amiss.
    The baroness frowned.
    'She's put out,' said Mary Lou. 'Rang the kitchen to complain that the haddock wasn't finnan and found out it was. As if they'd dare have any other kind. But she's put out and discomfited. Can't bear being wrong.'
    'My facts may sometimes be wrong,' said the baroness stiffly, 'but my opinions are always right.'
    'You talk a better class of garbage than anyone I've ever met. Jack,' said Mary Lou fondly. The baroness grinned ecstatically.
    'Aaaa'm only a bird,' contributed Horace. 'Not bloody likely.'
    'Aaaa'm only a bird in a gilded cage,' yelled the two women. 'Aaaa'm only a bird in a gilded cage.'
    Amiss sighed. 'It's one thing to try to talk over Horace's musings, ladies, but I can't help thinking that having to shout over your pedagogy will not help me in my increasingly vain attempt to give a coherent briefing on the Warburton.'
    'Sorry, Robert. It's just that he's prone to forget where he is half-way through or get muddled and we have to correct it immediately. Jack, I think you should put him to bed.'
    The baroness pushed her plate away and got up. 'Horrie, Horrie, it's time for a nap,' she crooned, picking up a stick and holding it out. The bird put its head on one side. 'Bugger Bognor,' he gabbled. 'I never heard such rubbish. Aaaa'm only a bird. Stuff and nonsense. PC claptrap. Good Horrie.'
    'That's right,' said the baroness. 'Good Horrie. Nice Horrie. Come here, Horrie.' He hopped down, she stroked his head for a few seconds, thrust stick and parrot into the cage, waited until he was settled on his perch and then enveloped his home in a black velvet cloth. 'He's good at picking up things to say but rather slow about grasping the importance of shutting up on request,' she explained. 'Still, he's young. He'll learn. Now what did Griffiths say?'
    'Hold on a minute. Fill me in on Horace.'
    'Eat up, eat up. Treasure Island was on television a few months ago and I fancied myself with a parrot on my shoulder.'
    'As opposed to your head?'
    'He can do shoulder. It's just he prefers head. We're negotiating.'
    Mary Lou poured Amiss some more coffee. 'She ordered Horace from Harrods the morning after seeing the movie.
    impervious to my warning that a parrot is not just for life but for several generations.'
    'I've already dealt with that,' said the baroness carelessly. 'I've added a codicil to my will leaving him to the college as a sacred trust. If they don't take him, they don't get anything else.'
    Amiss finally remembered the name he had been struggling to recall. 'If Treasure Island was the inspiration, why isn't he called Flint?'
    'Because I'm not a pirate with a peg leg, Robert. I name my own parrots. Horace does, however, occasionally give a nod to Robert Louis Stevenson by shouting "pieces of eight".'
    'So why didn't you tell me about him before now?' asked Amiss, slightly offended.
    'Wanted to imprint myself on him first so he'd make a good impression.'
    'Did he arrive talking?'
    '"Who's a pretty boy?" was about the extent of his vocabulary. But we're working on it and he learns fast. Between what we teach him and what he picks up he's doing well.'
    'Sometimes too darn well,' said Mary Lou. 'And a word of warning, Robert. Don't get fresh with him. He biles everyone.' She held out her left hand. 'Look.'
    Amiss grimaced. 'Nasty.'
    'Doesn't bite me,' said the baroness, beaming.
    'Everyone except Jack. Parrots, it turns out, are monogamous, and Jack's his mate.'
    'He's mine rather than me being his,' said the baroness. 'Have to maintain a sense of hierarchy. When the chips are