Charlie and the War Against the Grannies by Alan Brough Read Free Book Online Page A

instead of grannies?’ said Hils.
    â€˜Nanas?’ I said.
    â€˜Negative. Nanas doesn’t sound bad.’
    â€˜What if you say “nanas” in a bad-sounding way?’
    I said ‘nanas’ in a bad-sounding way.
    â€˜Negative. Do you even understand what I mean?’
    â€˜Yes.’
    â€˜Really?’
    â€˜No.’
    â€˜We need to call the grannies something that will make it easy for us to want to go to war with them. Something like “elderly combatants”. But it needs to be catchy,’ said Hils.
    â€˜What about “violent veterans”?’
    â€˜Negative,’ said Hils.
    â€˜â€œFighting Fossils”?’
    â€˜Negative.’
    â€˜â€œPrehistoric Punchers”?’
    â€˜Negative.’
    â€˜â€œAngry Aged”?’
    â€˜Better,’ said Hils.
    â€˜â€œBald Baddies”?’
    â€˜Good,’ said Hils.
    â€˜â€œSneaky Creakies”?’
    â€˜Negative.’
    â€˜â€œRuthless and Toothless”?’
    â€˜Negative.’
    â€˜â€œUntrustful Rustfuls”?’
    â€˜Negative.’
    â€˜â€œMouldy Oldies”?’
    â€˜Negative.’
    â€˜â€œTROLL PATROL”?’ I said.
    â€˜Negative,’ said Hils.
    â€˜I think Troll Patrol is great.’
    â€˜It’s too weird,’ said Hils.
    â€˜â€œStinky Seniors”?’ I said.
    â€˜Negative.’
    â€˜â€œWrinkly Warriors”?’
    â€˜Negative.’
    â€˜â€œThe Wrinkly Stinky Seniors”?’
    â€˜Too long,’ said Hils.
    â€˜â€œStinkly Wrinklys”?’
    Hils looked at me. She was thinking.
    â€˜Perfect,’ said Hils.
    â€˜Really?’
    â€˜Affirmative.’
    â€˜Hils,’ I said. ‘I think we should go to war with the Stinkly Wrinklys.’
    She was right. It did sound a lot better. I mean, a lot worse. Oh, you know what I mean.

19
THE PLAN
    â€˜Hils,’ I said. ‘How are we going to go to war with the gran – Stinkly Wrinklys?’
    â€˜I’m glad you asked,’ said Hils. ‘I’ve been weighing up the pros and cons of several strategic scenarios.’
    That’s army-talk for, ‘I’ve had heaps of time to think about how we’re going to have a war against those Stinkly Wrinklys because my last class was really boring.’
    â€˜First,’ said Hils, ‘we have to ascertain the whereabouts of the Stinkly Wrinklys’ base of forward operations.’
    That means, ‘We need to find their clubhouse.’
    â€˜Once we find their clubhouse what do we do?’ I said.
    â€˜We lay siege to it,’ said Hils.
    â€˜What does that mean?’
    â€˜It means we surround them,’ said Hils.
    â€˜How are we going to surround them? There are only two of us.’
    â€˜Then we cut off their supply of shortbread,’ said Hils.
    When Hils doesn’t know the answer to a question she just pretends you didn’t ask it and carries on with what she was saying. I think she will make a very good parent one day.
    â€˜Shortbread?’ I said.
    â€˜Stinkly Wrinklys love shortbread. Once they run out of shortbread they will get really hungry and come out of their base.’
    â€˜Unless they have a rhino in there,’ I said. ‘You could live for ages on one rhino. Especially if you have a big freezer.’
    â€˜When the Stinkly Wrinklys come out of their base . . .’
    â€˜You could have roast rhino.’
    â€˜We’ll take them prisoner . . .’
    â€˜Green rhino curry.’
    â€˜If they try and escape . . .’
    â€˜Rhino pie.’
    â€˜We’ll bury them up to their necks in dirt, cover them in honey and put ants on their heads.’
    â€˜I’m not doing that,’ I said. ‘Can’t we just ask them to sit down and not move?’
    â€˜Negative. If you’re not willing to bury the Stinkly Wrinklys and cover them in ants then I think we are