Clash of the Geeks by John Scalzi Read Free Book Online Page B

Then…what’s the spear? 
     
    FACE.PSD: [unsure suddenly] Katrina? 
     
    LAVA.PSD: [confused] I would have thought the lava/volcano part was Katrina. 
     
    SWEATER.PSD: And wouldn’t it make more sense for angry clown sweater guy to be the American public riding the Obama Kittytrice to kill the OrcBush with the spear of…what the hell is the spear anyways? 
     
    HORN.PSD: That doesn’t make sense because Obama’s policies have turned out to not be radically different from the worst of Bush’s policies in terms of wiretapping or assassination of American civilians for example. 
     
    CROTCH.PSD: So the spear is Obama killing the Bush policies with policies that aren’t that different from Bush’s? 
     
    FACE.PSD: This is far deeper a work than I suspected. 
     
    HORN.PSD: I’m not sure you can really apply a political filter to this. Maybe the orc is an orc, the beast is a mere means of transportation, and the angry clown sweater man is an unfortunately dressed person who hates orcs, all put together with the sole intent of generating competing theories as to what it all means? 
     
    LAVA.PSD: What does that make the volcano and the lava? 
     
    CROTCH.PSD: The elements that, as you mentioned, tip it over into awesome. 
     
    [MOUSE CURSOR enters from STAGE RIGHT]
     
    MOUSE CURSOR: All right everyone I have an announcement… 
     
    [ALL gather around MOUSE CURSOR]
     
    MOUSE CURSOR: I would like to thank you all so much for your time in showing up today. I regret to inform you that Mr. Zugale has decided to go in a different direction with the project. He will actually be painting using real world oils and canvas as opposed to creating the work electronically. You should all be very proud of your capabilities, and Mr. Zugale is happy to work with you on other projects in the future. I’m sorry things didn’t turn out like we expected, but we love your enthusiasm and thank you again for your time. 
     
    [MOUSE CURSOR EXITS, stage lights dim quickly from top to bottom] 
     
    HORN.PSD: [uncertainly] Well surely someone will remake the painting in Photoshop? 
     
    [CURTAIN]

BEDTIME STORY
Bernadette Durbin
    All right, which story do you want tonight?
    “Tell me the story of the book you’re reading, Daddy!”
    Old Man’s War ? But—
    “Pleeeeeeease.”
    Okay. Old Man’s War is the story of John Perry—
    “John Scalzi , Daddy.”
    What?
    “It says right on the book.”
    Um, okay. The story of John Scalzi, who signs up with an interplanetary fighting force. They only take people who are really old—
    “Older than you?”
    Older than me. But it doesn’t matter that they’re old, because they get given a new body that’s young again. And green.
    “Like an orc!”
    Like an…orc. Sure.
    “With a great big axe!”
    Um…
    “Because orcs fight with axes, don’t they?”
    Yes, orcs fight with axes. So they send John…Scalzi to various planets to fight to protect human colonists. Some of the planets are nice, but some are pretty nasty.
    “Like Mount Doom.”
    And when he’s there he has to fight against other people who want those planets to live on. So one day, John is on a planet that’s not so nice…
    “Mount Doom!”
    …like Mount Doom, all volcanic fields and erupting mountains. No fun at all. And suddenly, he’s attacked by—
    “A unicorn pegasus kitten!”
    …Is it a zombie unicorn pegasus kitten?
    “Nooooooooooo!”
    Just checking. He’s attacked by a unicorn pegasus kitten, all sharp horn and deadly claws, ridden by none other than—
    “Wesley Crusher!”
    You’ve been watching Next Generation again, haven’t you. Ridden by none other than the stalwart Wesley Crusher, spear in hand, wearing—
    “A clown sweater!”
    A clown sweater? Why?
    “’Cause it’s silly .”
    Yes. Of course. I should have guessed. So Wesley swoops down upon John, who yells out his war cry—
    “The head of Scalzi demands blood!”
    —at which cry many a former foe had quaked in terror. But