Clash of the Geeks by John Scalzi Read Free Book Online Page A

it! 
     
    HORN.PSD: [pushing it too far] How are you going to lens flare a sweater? 
     
    [HORN.PSD applies lens flare]
     
    SWEATER.PSD: [enraged, stands up] I SAID STOP IT! 
     
    [There is a pause as ALL look at SWEATER.PSD. SWEATER.PSD realizes he’s overreacted. SWEATER.PSD sits back down in his seat.]
     
    SWEATER.PSD: [quietly] The sweater’s not angry kid, the wearer is. I don’t know. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m not challenged. You ever feel that way Lava? I mean, all you get cast as is lava. 
     
    [HORN.PSD realizes he has shamed a hero of his and looks guilty.]
     
    LAVA.PSD: Not really. A lot of people wouldn’t be satisfied having career of just character work like that. But you know I’ve made a great living, and it’s kind of nice being known like that. Anytime anyone needs solid, serviceable lava portrayal, they use me. And let’s face it, stories are always going to need at least a little lava. That’s the real reason the first two Star Wars prequels were so terrible. They didn’t have lava until the third one. 
     
    FACE.PSD: [surprised] You were in that one? 
     
    LAVA.PSD: [laughs] No way. Stars were lining up to take that part, even though they’d normally never take a part that small. I heard even that water tentacle from The Abyss auditioned. You can’t compete with that kind of star power. 
     
    CROTCH.PSD: Even though it’s for a charity, you guys think we will get anything for this? 
     
    LAVA.PSD: Oh I doubt it. I’m just doing it to keep myself visible, out there working. 
     
    CROTCH.PSD: Yeah I’m doing it for the visibility too. 
     
    FACE.PSD: I don’t think you need any more visibility.
     
    CROTCH.PSD: Changing the subject, why is clown sweater guy angry? And what in the heck is he riding? I’m still trying to figure out the plot here. 
     
    FACE.PSD: [to CROTCH.PSD] Not too bright are you Dirk Diggler? [to all] It’s clearly a Lynchian style analysis of the Bush administration and the transition to the Obama administration’s policies as told through metaphor. The angry clown sweater man is quite obviously the policies of the Bush administration, which were both angry and clowny. The orc being green clearly represents the different skin tone of Obama, ready to fight off the policies. But note how they wish to depict the orc holding the axe? No effective warrior would wield an axe in that manner. This is clearly a critique of Obama’s rhetoric and promises being sharp-edged, but ultimately useless and ineffective. 
     
    [there is a pause]
     
    ALL: [to FACE.PSD] What? 
     
    CROTCH.PSD: Then what’s the beast that clown sweater guy is riding? 
     
    LAVA.PSD: Oh that’s a Kittytrice. It’s often mistaken for a Pegapuss because of the horse hindquarters. But I’m not sure what mythology they are pulling from to put a unicorn horn on it. Usually it has a rhino horn topped with a big red clown nose and is wearing cute oversized yellow sunglasses. My guess is they are going for a grittier feel. 
     
    HORN.PSD: [obviously dismayed] Oh that’s just great. You mean I’m playing something outside of an established continuity with a fan base who’s sure to complain? I swear I’m going to kill my agent. 
     
    CROTCH.PSD: Tell me about it. Once I was in this Hentai image where the schoolgirl’s outfit was the wrong color and the tentacles weren’t nearly far enough inside the—
     
    FACE.PSD: We really don’t need to hear anymore.
     
    CROTCH.PSD: But I was wondering what the Kittytrice represents? 
     
    FACE.PSD: Oh that’s easy, the American public, who were whipped into a frenzy by the Bush policies into being something they’re not. That’s probably why they made the Kittytrice violent instead of cute. 
     
    SWEATER.PSD: Wait, so Obama is trying to kill both the Bush administrations policies and the American public? In what reality does that happen? 
     
    FACE.PSD: Have you ever watched Fox News? 
     
    [OFF STAGE rim shot]
     
    CROTCH.PSD: