Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids by Anne Dohrenwend Read Free Book Online Page A

shame.
            •   Resentful denial is marked by a parent’s physical or emotional withdrawal from the parent-child relationship. This can be particularly painful to a child who may already be struggling with feeling unacceptable or even untouchable.
            •   Loving open response is the ideal and involves both communication and behaviors that denote acceptance. Parents who respond in this manner maintain close connections with their children as they work through the adjustment to their children’s sexual orientations.
            •   Hostile recognition is the most damaging to a child. This response usually includes demeaning and stereotypic accusations and the parent throwing the child out of the house. Reactions like this can result in permanent estrangement. Don’t force your child to leave home. Though parents who kick their children out often take them back in, it may prove to be too late: “Holding onto the belief that parents will eventually come around is not always within [gay children’s] developmental grasp, leaving these youngsters at high risk for depression, suicide, and running away.” 6 If your first response to your child’s sexual orientation was rejection, I predict that you are about to shift to acceptance. Your willingness to read this book is a good first step. Apologizing would be a great second step.
     
    Jeff’s Story
    Jeff told his mother that he is gay a few years ago. He didn’t want to tell his father, because he knew his father would throw him out of the house. Jeff’s mother thought this prudent. Her husband was always making nasty comments about “homos” and “faggots.” When Jeff was sixteen, he began coming home late and then not coming home at all. Jeff’s mom asked him about his absences and he told her that he was in love. He explained to her that he and his boyfriend were going to drop out of high school and travel across the country together.
    There is a litany of problems in Jeff’s life that complicates his coming out to his father. His parents have an unhealthy relationship that models fear and disconnection. Because of his father’s vitriol toward homosexuality, Jeff is exposed to a level of homophobia tantamount to emotional abuse. His mother’s passivity has created an untenable situation for her son. In order to be true to his sexual orientation, Jeff feels he must escape from his home.
    Jeff may have naively—or as a pretext to pacify his mother—described this plan as a trip, but in reality Jeff is running away. According to the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, as many as 20 to 40 percent of homeless youths are gay, lesbian or bisexual. 7 While less research is available on transgender youths, the number is probably higher. LGBTQ runaways are sometimes referred to as “throwaways.” If Jeff and his partner hit the streets, their chances are poor. Failing to complete his high school degree will create additional challenges. Runaways encounter many dangers and gay runaways fare worse than their straight peers. Jeff and his partner will be at risk for drug abuse, sexual exploitation and suicide.
    I strongly advised Jeff’s mom that she insist he stay and finish high school. In exchange, she should promise him that she will give him a safe and open home where he and his partner are welcomed. In doing so, she should assure her son that any marital problems that arise from this action are not his fault nor his problem. The fault and problem lies with his father. Jeff’s mom should privately confront her husband about his homophobia and the way he expresses it. I suspect that homosexuality is not the only thing Jeff’s father rants about. People who have anger management problems typically spew anger toward other groups or people.
    Jeff is still a child and deserves a safe and supportive home environment. If Jeff’s father cannot provide that home, his mother should consider living separately, at least until Jeff is