Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids by Anne Dohrenwend Read Free Book Online Page B

mature enough to set out on his own. The safety of children, physically and emotionally, must take precedence over adult relationships, even marital ones. This is, in my opinion, the most basic parenting responsibility.
     
    SOCIAL COPING METHODS
    In one of the few studies that considered how a parent’s social life and social support was affected by a child’s coming out, Dr. SusanSaltzburg, an associate professor in the College of Social Work at Ohio State University, interviewed parents who were in the acute stages of adjusting to their adolescents’ coming out. She observed two dimensions of experience: one that leads to social withdrawal and isolation and another that leads to social realignment and connection. 8
SOCIAL WITHDRAWAL THEMES
            •   Creating Walls and Distance: In this reaction, parents perceive having a gay child as a threat to their well-being and panic ensues. At the heart of this is fear of being rejected or treated harshly by those who hold a negative view of homosexuality. In response, parents isolate themselves. They refuse calls from friends, pull away from social contacts and may even avoid leaving the house.
            •   Grieving Without Understanding : Parents feel that discovering their child is gay is equivalent to losing that child to death. The grief is so intense that they may cry for days or weeks. Homosexuality looms so large that, for the parents, it envelops all other aspects of the child’s personhood.
            •   Too Stigmatizing to Talk About : Admitting that they grew up in a time when sexual orientation was taboo, parents with this reaction are unable to bring themselves to talk about homosexuality. Conservative religious upbringings usually play a role in shaping this belief. The parents feel that the stigma of homosexuality falls not only on the child, but on them as well.
            •   Fearing that Family Relationships Cannot Be Sustained : These parents withdraw from one or more family members due to the assumption that the family member’s deeply entrenched views preclude any chance of acceptance. Sometimes this can happen between spouses, resulting in a diminished spousal relationship.
            •   Feeling Utterly Alone in Their Circumstances : Having found no one who seems to understand the profundity of their experience, these parents doubt that anyone can. As a result, they isolate themselves, failing to lean on those who might be able to empathize.
            •   Living the Secret : As a means of preserving social acceptance, these parents make demands on their child to play down being gay. They also ask siblings and other family members to keep the secret. They withdraw, lie and obfuscate in an attempt to pass as a straight family. Much like closeted gays, closeted families feel the psychological drain, the lack of authenticity in external relationships and the shame of hiding.
            •   Feeling Like an Outcast : Feeling self-conscious and vulnerable to stigmatization, these parents align themselves at the social periphery. They see themselves as separated from the familiar flow of life and cut off from the support of mainstream parents.
    All of the parents in Saltzburg’s study yearned to talk to someone who had personally experienced what they were going through. Here are some ways that parents reach out to connect with others.
SOCIAL REALIGNMENT AND CONNECTION THEMES
            •   Discovering Information : These parents seek information, whether through people, books or television programs. Parents who use this style of coping feel less alone and gain new insights about homosexuality.
            •   Experiencing Mentorship from the Gay Community : These parents seek LGB mentors. Mentors help normalize homosexuality and allow parents to see that their child can have a full and happy future. Ultimately, gay mentors can become extended family.
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