Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids by Anne Dohrenwend Read Free Book Online

might tolerate another person’s music on a shared road trip or a guest’s habit of leaving the bed unmade. These small tolerances avoid “making a mountain out of molehill.” It’s a bigger thing to tolerate homosexuality when you don’t agree with it, but it is the least common denominator to maintaining a healthy relationship with you child. I hope that, regardless of your feelings about homosexuality, you see the value in being gracious, tolerant and engaging with LGBTQs, especially those LGBTQs who play important roles in your child’s life.

Chapter 7
Parental Adjustments
    L GBs have lower levels of parental attachment and higher levels of parental detachment when compared with heterosexuals. 1 This finding is disturbing in light of the power and importance of the parent-child relationship, especially to LGBTQs during the coming out process.
    LGB children who view their parents as accepting of their sexual identities are less likely to resort to self-destructive behaviors to cope with stress. More specifically, adolescents whose mothers reacted positively to their coming out are 35 percent less likely to use harmful substances compared with those who are not out to their parents or whose mothers or fathers do not react positively. 2 In one study of Latino and Caucasian LGB youths, those who reported high levels of family rejection compared to those who reported low levels of family rejection were 8.4 times more likely to attempt suicide, 3.4 times more likely to use illegal drugs and 3.4 times more likely to engage in unprotected sex. 3 Another study found that family acceptance served as a buffer against the negative emotional and behavioral effects of bullying and victimization. 4
    Your reaction to your child’s coming out is undeniably important, but not all parents can muster a “perfect” first reaction. Fortunately, your first reaction doesn’t have to be brilliant. Second, third andfourth reactions can be just as important as the first. You’ll have time to get it right.
    COPING PROCESSES
    The best way to avoid overreacting to your child’s sexual orientation is to get in touch with your feelings. With insight, you will be more likely to cope in an effective manner. With that end in mind, let’s discuss what is known about parental adjustment to having a gay child. If you’ve been feeling lost and alone, hopefully you will begin to feel connected to the many other parents who have had similar experiences with their gay children.
GRIEF RESPONSE
    Parental adjustment to a child’s coming out has been compared to the grief response. Esteemed psychiatrist and author Elisabeth Kubler-Ross determined that people pass through five stages when coping with a loss: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and acceptance. Though generally thought to progress in a linear fashion, there may be some back and forth and bouncing among stages. It is not uncommon for people to circle through the stages over and over as they deal with different aspects of the loss. For instance, a parent’s first journey through grief might be sadness associated with the loss of the son’s heterosexual identity and the entitlements associated with that identity. Later, the parent might grieve the loss of never gaining (through marriage) the daughter the parent always wanted. In this way, grief passes through many layers, one at a time.
FORMS OF DENIAL AND ACCEPTANCE
    Author Ann Muller identified four types of parental reactions to a child’s disclosure of being gay: 5
            •   Loving denial , the most common reaction, is when a parent offers words of acceptance but conceals the child’s sexual orientation from others, thus belying incomplete acceptance. Concealment may give the parent time to process this new information before sharing it with others. However, if theparent doesn’t come around to mirroring the child’s level of disclosure, the child may interpret the parent’s concealment as a sign of