Crossing the Line by Dianne Bates Read Free Book Online Page A

me.
    ‘Hi, Sophie.’ I get a warm smile. She and Amy, who stays in the garden, exchange waves.
    ‘It’s so good to see you, Jan.’ I hear myself gushing and try to tone it down. ‘You going to stay for a coffee?’
    ‘No, I can’t this time, sweetie. Have to catch a plane – the big trip begins today!’
    She almost bounces with joy. Her eyes gleam. I’m glad to see her happy but that feeling is smothered by another. She’s leaving me. Still, I smile along with her, my mask firmly in place.
    Jan explains she only dropped in to do her duty: tell us her replacement’s name, say an official goodbye. I knew that was the reason for her visit, but still it hurts me to hear it from her. Moments later I feel okay again. Transported out of my misery into bliss. And all because she hugs me, squeezing the cuts hidden under my jumper, making me feel alive.
    ‘Now you take care of yourself, eh, Sophie?’
    ‘I will, Jan. Come back soon, won’t you?’
    ‘Be back before you know it. You keep safe now.’
    I want to hug her again but I just stand there, rigid. She puts a hand on my shoulder.
    ‘You okay?’
    ‘Couldn’t be better,’ I say. ‘Perfect.’

8

    F or days after Jan’s visit, my thinking is chaotic and irrational; I can’t concentrate at school and my sleep is restless. Matt comes into my room one night and I shriek when I find him standing over me, his hand reaching for me.
    ‘You were having a nightmare,’ he says quietly. I remember that and nothing else as I fall back asleep straight away. It’s not a restful sleep. I wake again and again, terrified by my dreams.
    ‘Something was really upsetting you last night,’ Matt says at the breakfast table. ‘What was going on?’
    ‘I can’t remember,’ I say, shrugging.
    Amy shuffles into the kitchen. ‘What’re you two talking about?’
    ‘Nothing,’ we answer in unison.

    In today’s session Noel has finally taken the initiative and asked me a definitive question. He wants to know what I plan to do with my life.
    ‘Become a shrink,’ I reply. ‘So I can torture people.’
    Something about that answer tickles him and he grins. ‘Do you think that’s what I do, Sophie?’
    ‘You try sitting here,’ I say.
    After that we slip into the world of silence. Ten minutes of mental chess goes by and neither player blinks. Finally boredom gets to me.
    ‘We’re studying Political Science at school. Politics interests me. Might try that as a career choice.’ I don’t mean it. It’s just something to say. I like to confuse him when I can. ‘About being a shrink, I was only joking.’
    He nods and purses his lips, which is one of his few facial expressions during our sessions.
    Encouraged by his response, I talk about school, the subjects I’m studying and a little about the group I hang with. They’re not bad girls, really, but they don’t back down easy, and all of us are feminists.
    ‘Not man-hating feminists,’ I point out, just in case he was wondering. ‘Not the sort who burn their bras and want to cut off men’s balls.’
    I said that for effect and it worked. A nerve twitches on Noel’s forehead. The mind-flash I have of my shrink reaching down to cover his privates causes me to laugh. Can’t miss an opportunity like this.
    ‘Not that they don’t deserve it,’ I add.
    ‘Mm,’ comments Noel. And I think to myself, ‘ Checkmate !’

    That night I have another one of my dreams. I’m tumbling into a bottomless gorge in slow motion. This merges into a scene where I view the world as if from a vast distance. There are no clear edges to anything. Colours take on a grimy appearance; everything is brushed with the same shade of grey – sky, grass, people. As I move, I feel as though I’m automated and that parts of my body – my hands and fingers, legs and chest – belong to someone else. When I speak, the words echo as if in a chamber. Everything about me exists in another time and place. I wake in a lather of sweat.
    The next