Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) by Dave Barry Read Free Book Online Page B

with Jay Leno, The Late Show with David Letterman, Late Night with Conan O’Brien, The Oprah Winfrey Show, Judge Judy, Sesame Street, Gilligan’s Island, Scooby-Doo, and—most notably —Teletubbies, where Vice President Gore claims that he was the inspiration for Noo-Noo the magic vacuum cleaner, and Gov. Bush, in a controversial move, kisses Tinky Winky on the lips.
    On the issues front, Gore proposes that the federal government reduce gas prices by releasing oil from the nation’s strategic petroleum reserve, kept in giant salt domes in Louisiana. Despite opposition from Gov. Bush, who criticizes the plan as “an act of fragrant perspiration,” President Clinton orders the release of thirty million barrels of oil. The joy of consumer groups soon turns to alarm as a fifteen-foot-high wave of petroleum wipes out Baton Rouge. Everyone agrees this is no big loss.
    In another consumer development, Kraft Foods voluntarily recalls millions of taco shells after discovering that some of them contained genetically altered corn. A Kraft spokesperson stresses that the tacos are “perfectly safe,” provided that they “are handled properly” and “never allowed near children.”
    In legal news, the U.S. Justice Department, which has been holding Los Alamos physicist Wen Ho Lee in jail for eighteen months after identifying him as a major atomic spy, announces that it has reduced the charges to two counts of improper parking. Also getting good legal news are Bill and Hillary Clinton, who heave a sigh of relief when the special prosecutor investigating Whitewater announces that, after years of investigation, he has no earthly idea what “Whitewater” is. The president declares that he is “proud and humbled to join the ranks of such big-legacy presidents as George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and John F. Kennedy, who also were never indicted in connection with Whitewater.”
    In Florida, state agriculture officials escalate the scope of the War on Citrus Canker to include “any object that is yellow or orange.” Within a week, state crews have destroyed five thousand school buses, twenty-seven thousand traffic cones, and Donald Trump’s hair. Outraged, a Florida jury slaps another $500 billion in damages on the tobacco companies.
    The international highlight of September is the Summer Olympics, which were actually held in Australia in July but are just now reaching the United States. The delay results from the broadcast format chosen by NBC, which has decided to make the Olympics interesting to U.S. viewers by adding sound-tracks, breaking away from the competition to show dramatic profiles, and using computers to digitally replace foreign athletes with popular NBC sitcom characters. The highlight of the games, without question, is the thrilling moment when—with the entire Australian nation cheering as if with one voice—the women’s 400-meter race is won by Frasier star Kelsey Grammer.
    Unfortunately, the Olympics also produces some unhappy moments. Suspicions of drug use are raised by the noticeable buildup of syringes on the bottom of the swimming pool. And the women’s gymnastics competition is marred when the vault is set to an incorrect height of fifty-seven feet by volunteer officials from Palm Beach County. But all in all it is a fine Olympics, with thirty-nine gold medals going to the United States, thirty-two to the Russian Federation, twenty-eight to China, and 2,038 to Tiger Woods.
    Unfortunately, the spirit of international friendship is nowhere to be found in…
    OCTOBER
    â€¦when the Middle East again erupts in violence, touched off when a sacred Jerusalem religious site is severely damaged by an errant interceptor missile being tested for the U.S. missile defense system. The Pentagon blames the malfunction on the fact that the missile “was, in violation of proper procedure, equipped with Firestone tires.”
    In another