Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) by Dave Barry Read Free Book Online Page A

bookstores around the country are swamped with orders for the fourth Harry Potter book, Buy This Book or Your Children Will Hate You. U.S. profits total tens of millions of dollars, all of which will be paid to settle broomstick-related lawsuits.
    Walter Matthau goes to that big, messy apartment in the sky. In sports, officials of the Baseball Hall of Fame correct a long-standing oversight by voting to induct Tiger Woods.
    And speaking of winners, in…
    AUGUST
    â€¦Vice President Gore, in a historic move, selects as his running mate Sen. Joseph Lieberman, who is a member of the Jewish faith, which Gore cofounded. Lieberman boldly declares that he is in favor of God, and demonstrates this by demanding that the Hollywood community “stop making disgusting and immoral movies” but “please continue to give us money.”
    Lieberman is seen as a solid choice, but there is tension at the Democratic Convention in Los Angeles, where the Gore camp suspects that Bill Clinton is trying to hog the limelight. A Clinton staffer denies this, claiming that “security considerations” led to the decision to have the president enter the convention hall riding a chariot drawn by lions.
    In other entertainment news, Monday Night Football debuts Dennis Miller, hired as a color commentator to boost ratings. The first broadcast goes well, as Miller interacts well with play-by-play announcer Britney Spears.
    In consumer news, owners of certain models of Firestone tires receive a troubling notice from the manufacturer urging them to “lock yourself in your bathroom immediately.” Congress holds emergency hearings, but is unable to get testimony from Firestone tire designers, who are busy working on an improved new ballot for Palm Beach County.
    On a positive automotive note, the nation is captivated by the story of eighty-three-year-old Tillie Tooter, who survives three days trapped in her car in a swamp. Police later determine that she was run off the road by Florida state agriculture officials, who suspected she might be carrying infected citrus trees in her trunk. In angry response, a Florida jury orders the tobacco industry to pay another $300 billion in damages.
    Speaking of survivors: The summer’s surprise hit TV show, Survivor, climaxes when the other contestants vote to elect, as the grand prize winner, Richard Hatch, best known for walking around naked. Hours later, in what aides for each side claim is a coincidence, Al Gore and George W. Bush both hold “town hall” meetings in the nude.
    Tiger Woods is kidnapped by rival golfers, sedated, handcuffed, placed in a straitjacket, wrapped in chains, and locked inside a trunk, which is then weighted with concrete blocks and dropped into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean. He easily wins the PGA Championship.
    And speaking of crime, in…
    SEPTEMBER
    â€¦the Midwest is terrorized by a vicious outlaw gang that robs a string of banks by threatening to put Firestone tires on the tellers’ cars.
    But the real excitement occurs in the political arena, where Al Gore and George W. Bush spend much of the month sparring vigorously over the critical question—foremost on the minds of every American—of what will be the format for their debates. Gore proposes a series of seventeen debates, fifteen of which would consist entirely of the vice president reading selected portions of his book Earth in the Balance , soon to be released as a major motion picture featuring Alec Baldwin as an endangered species. The Bush camp counters with a proposal for one debate, to consist of a round of horseshoes, man to man, with no talking. The two sides finally settle on three debates: one in the standing format, one in the sitting format, and one with both candidates in a hot tub with Jim Lehrer.
    Meanwhile, both Bush and Gore seek to impress the voters with their qualifications to hold the world’s most powerful office by appearing on The Tonight Show