Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) by Dave Barry Read Free Book Online

a few days later when the secrets are discovered safe and sound in the home of a laboratory worker whose eight-year-old daughter, Amber, had taken them to her elementary school for a special show-and-tell session attended by the second through fourth grades and six special guests from China.

    In weather news, the East Coast braces for what experts predict could be a busy hurricane season. Palm Beach County reports four feet of snow.
    On a cultural note, the hugely popular TV show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire has its first million-dollar winner when an Ohio man correctly answers Regis Philbin’s final question: “What color is my tie?” (Answer: “The same color as your shirt.”)
    On the legal front, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency announces a ban on molecules, which, according to an agency spokesperson “can join together and form chemicals.” Meanwhile, an obviously testy U.S. Supreme Court, in an 8 to 1 ruling, orders Antonin Scalia to stop cracking his damn knuckles.
    In a historic international development ending fifty years of Cold War hostility, South Korean president Kim Dae-jung meets with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. They sign a formal pact in which they agree to henceforth address each other as “Buddy,” then flee, escaping a warm Bill Clinton embrace by mere seconds. On a sadder note, Syrian president Hafez Assad dies; in an official statement, Vice President Gore recalls that he and Assad “often raced camels together,” while Gov. Bush extends “deepest sympathy for the widow, Mrs. President Syrian.”
    Jeff MacNelly, a regular guy who was also a genius, leaves this world for one where beer is plentiful, cigars are welcome, and all the cars are 1959 DeSotos.
    In sports, the U.S. Open is not actually held because it’s more efficient to just mail the check to Tiger Woods.
    And speaking of victories…
    JULY
    â€¦begins with a stunning upset of the ruling party in the Mexican presidential election, which is won by underdog challenger Vicente Fox, aided by an unexpected 4.3 million votes from Palm Beach County.
    In U.S. politics, George W. Bush meets with his top advisers, who inform him that, after careful consideration, he has selected as his running mate Dick “Dick” Cheney, thus balancing the ticket by including a person who speaks at least some English. Bush and Cheney are formally nominated at a convention in Philadelphia featuring a prominent display of minorities, some of whom—in a stark departure from GOP tradition—are not holding hors d’oeuvres trays. The convention is also marked by street demonstrations held by angry young people who hate capitalism and consumerism and are determined to fight these evils until it’s time to go back to college.
    In legacy action, President Clinton, desperate to forge a lasting Middle East peace, brings Yasser Arafat and Ehud Barak to Camp David. Finally, after two weeks of exhausting round-the-clock negotiations, the talks are broken off because neither man can remember what country he represents.
    The U.S. missile defense system suffers yet another setback during a much-publicized test when an interceptor missile, which is supposed to hit a mock warhead high over the Pacific Ocean, instead slams into the newly refurbished Washington Monument. Military officials, seeking to put a positive spin on the mishap, note that the monument had “a very suspicious shape.”
    In domestic news, the South Carolina state legislature, in a move that angers the state’s traditionalists, votes to abolish slavery.
    In Florida courtroom action, the jury in the civil lawsuit against cigarette manufacturers hands down a harsher than expected verdict, ordering a dozen top tobacco executives to be beheaded. In another controversial ruling, a federal judge orders Napster.com, the popular Internet music-exchange site, to “put some Wayne Newton on there.”
    In cultural news,