Diary of a Resurrection (A Novella) by Amanda Day Read Free Book Online Page A

realised
maybe you were, but you were just too afraid to be on your own. You seemed like
that sort of person; the sort of person who always wants someone around because
they are afraid to sit in the silence and confront themselves. Why hadn’t I
seen that sooner?
    You were the first thing I thought of in the morning, and
the last thing at night. To be honest, it had been that way since we first
spoke. At first, I wondered what you looked like. Then we met and I wondered
what you would say next. Then I imagined us kissing and holding hands. Then I
started to imagine what it would be like to be with you, naked against your
body.
    Looking back, Drew, I am beyond glad we never went that far.
I can imagine you now, still wondering how I could love you without even
sleeping with you. That just goes to show what a dumbass you are. Love isn’t
about sex. Love is not something you put your dick into; it’s something you put
your heart in. I don’t know if you would understand that though.
    You tried a few times to get me to sleep with you, and I let
you get a little further than I would have liked, but I knew while you were
with Pan I was never going to go all the way. I never told you that though, I
was worried that if I told you I wasn’t going to sleep with you, you would lose
interest, and I didn’t want to risk that. I feel so stupid now because so many
signs of who you were, were there all along. I just chose to ignore them.
    Mea culpa.
    Anyway, at night I found myself picturing you coming to my
house. I would open the door and you would hold out your arm to me, like you
always did, and I would climb inside. Then you would stroke my hair and tell me
you did love me. That it was all a mistake. That was the thought that I feel
asleep to every night for a month, and every morning I would wake up feeling
just as awful as the day before.
    During that time, I saw things that reminded me of you
constantly. When I finally ventured back out into the world I tried to avoid
the places that reminded me of you. I would drive the long way around to miss
the places we had walked or talked or kissed. I changed the text alert on my phone
because every time it sounded it made me hope it was you. Of course it wasn’t
and all that false hope just hurt more. I assigned your number to my old sound
and everyone else a new one, that way I would know when it was you and my heart
wouldn’t leap every time unnecessarily, because I swear it was giving me actual
heart damage.
    I needn’t have bothered. You never text anyway.
    I started to try and carry on with life. I knew it was
inevitable that I had to try at some point. It was hard because you still
filled my mind and I was lost in my own head all the time. I felt like I was
only vaguely present; like I was a ghost of a person loitering on the edge of a
life I had once loved. I realised I had been a ghost since we had met.
    God, I was so lost in myself and convinced only you had the
map to save me. In the end though, I managed to save myself.

Two Months Ago…

White Ink On A Black Page…
     
    After just over a month, the
mornings got a little better, which was the first good sign. The second was wanting
to brush my hair. The day I came downstairs with my hair in a neat braid and a little
lip-gloss on, my mum almost cried with joy.
    I still thought about you constantly, of course I did. Your
words still spun around my head, but they began to get a little quieter.
Instead of being desolate, I started to get angry at you. I began to think how
dare you? How dare you be silent when I was hurting so much? How dare you think
you can welcome me into your arms, change my life and my soul, then drop me. How
dare you ignore me like I didn’t matter, when I did. I really, really did.
    I’d get myself worked up into an angry tangle. I would sit
and stew. Fierce music replaced the melancholy ballads I had filled my ipod
with, which let me tell you really, really did not help. It should be a rule
that love