e Squared by Matt Beaumont Read Free Book Online Page A

Again
    Â 
    Is that it? Our fifteen-year-old daughter is pregnant and you’ve got nothing to say?
    Â 
    From: Brett Topolski
    To: Liam O’Keefe
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.38
    Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head
    Â 
    What the fuck do you think it’s like? It’s fucking hot and fucking sunny. Look, you have to do something. I won’t mention it again, I promise, but you and Lorraine have been together eight years and you’ve been through a lot (well, she’s been through a lot) and you can’t leave it without an explanation. Vince agrees. He says you need to achieve closure. Something else he picked up on Springer AI Jazeera-style. I suspect his and Jamal Springer’s take on closure involves a public stoning, but I trust you to take a less confrontational approach.
    Â 
    From: Liam O’Keefe
    To: Brett Topolski
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.43
    Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head
    Â 
    I’m taking relationship advice from a diagnosed psychotic? Think I’ll leave it be.
    Â 
    By the way, if/when you decide to tell Vince about Susi, don’t mention she brought Bubbles in before Christmas. She was dressed in head-to-toe Gaultier. Poor kid looked like a prostitute from Moulin Rouge Junior. Susi had also doused her in Allure, which sent out a clear scent signal to anyone within a half-mile radius on the sex offenders’ register. Made me feel distinctly uncomfortable. But what the fuck do I know about parenting? Maybe Tiny Ho is the new look from Gap Kids.
    Â 
    Enough. You’ve got your hot dogs and I’ve got a particularly tricky product-recall ad to do for Winter Sun instant tan. We did the packaging for it. The instructions read “leave on for 3 hours” instead of “3 minutes.” There are roaming packs of angry women out there with complexions like pickled walnuts. God knows what Ted wants. A viral? A pavement poster? The world’s first ad delivered via ESP? Certainly won’t be a nice old-fashioned quarter-page in the Mail. That would be boring, wouldn’t it?
    Â 
    From: David Crutton
    To: Janice Crutton
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.47
    Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
    Â 
    Are you even there, Janice?
    Â 
    From: Janice Crutton
    To: David Crutton
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.52
    Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
    Â 
    I’m here. It wasn’t Tam’s pregnancy test.
    Â 
    From: David Crutton
    To: Janice Crutton
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.53
    Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
    Â 
    Whose was it, then?
    Â 
    From: Janice Crutton
    To: David Crutton
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.55
    Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
    Â 
    Well, it wasn’t Noah’s.
    Â 
    From: [email protected]
    To: Liam O’Keefe
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.01
    Subject: Your account
    Â 
    We regret to inform you that we have been obliged to terminate your account due to the failure of your credit card. We advise you to contact your bank as a matter of urgency to discuss the situation. We must also inform you that we cannot review this decision until you have cleared your outstanding debt, which now stands at:
    Â£26,745.02
    Â 
    This is an automatically generated e-mail. Please do not reply.
    SafeBet.com Go on, have a punt
    Â 
    From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
    To: All Staff
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.03
    Subject: Interns?
    Â 
    Any interns free to clean Ted’s car?
    Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
    Assistant to Ted Berry
    Â 
    From: [email protected]
    To: Liam O’Keefe
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.05
    Subject: SPECIAL OFFER!
    Â 
    Why not take advantage today of our special offer on online debt counseling? Talk in complete confidence to our professional team of financial experts for just £49.99 per hour. 2
    Â 
    Click SafeBet.com/debt-hell now for full details.
    SafeBet.com
    Go on, have a punt
    Just a little one
    Â 
    From: Liam O’Keefe
    To: All Staff
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 11.10
    Subject: Interns?
    Â 
    Any interns free to kiss my arse? My self-esteem has taken a bit