e Squared by Matt Beaumont Read Free Book Online

Year, Rag Head
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    God, you just don’t know when to leave it, do you? I’ll tell you, but after this not another word. OK?
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    From: Brett Topolski
    To: Liam O’Keefe
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.01
    Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head
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    OK.
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    From: Liam O’Keefe
    To: Brett Topolski
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.08
    Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head
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    She left me. On Christmas Eve. With a 10 Ib turkey half defrosted. She went up to Manchester to see her folks, but I know she’s back in London now because she started her new job on Monday. Most of her stuff is still at mine. Don’t know what to do with it. Stuff it in bin bags and leave it on the pavement? Heap it up in the living room and weep over it?
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    Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking: what the fuck has he gone and done now?
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    From: David Crutton
    To: Janice Crutton
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.09
    Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
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    Not something I particularly want to discuss in an e-mail.
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    From: Janice Crutton
    To: David Crutton
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.10
    Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
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    Why not? It’s never stopped you before.
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    From: David Crutton
    To: Janice Crutton
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.13
    Subject: Re: Sorry. Again
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    OK, I’ll tell you. It was a pregnancy tester and it was positive.
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    From: Brett Topolski
    To: Liam O’Keefe
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.14
    Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head
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    You’re right. What the fuck have you gone and done now?
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    From: Liam O’Keefe
    To: Brett Topolski
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.19
    Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head
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    Nothing, I swear. I’d been completely good since the thing with the thing. I didn’t even go to the office party this year because she had tonsillitis and I stayed home to look after her. OK, I also didn’t go because I’d reached the conclusion that, unless you’re twenty-three and are therefore stupid, office parties are crap (especially since the smoking ban). But it was mostly because of her tonsils.
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    Why did she do it? I’ve grown up, settled down, matured, done all the things you’re supposed to do. Why, why, why?
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    From: Brett Topolski
    To: Liam O’Keefe
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.21
    Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head
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    Have you tried asking her?
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    From: Liam O’Keefe
    To: Brett Topolski
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.22
    Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head
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    Her mobile’s dead. Must have a new one. Obviously doesn’t want to talk to me.
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    From: Brett Topolski
    To: Liam O’Keefe
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.26
    Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head
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    Vince thinks you should go to where she works and tip a bucket of sheep’s blood on her workstation (something he saw on the Al Jazeera version of Springer). There might be something in it. Not the blood. The going-to-where-she-works bit. You know, just to talk to her.
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    From: Liam O’Keefe
    To: Brett Topolski
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.29
    Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head
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    That’d make me look desperate.
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    From: Brett Topolski
    To: Liam O’Keefe
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.31
    Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head
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    Hate to be the one to point this out, but you are desperate.
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    From: Liam O’Keefe
    To: Brett Topolski
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.35
    Subject: Re: Happy New Year, Rag Head
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    Confession: I went yesterday morning. She works at Endemol so I had to schlep to Shepherd’s Bush. Couldn’t bring myself to go in. I just lurked on the pavement. Eventually a receptionist came out and said if I was there to audition for Big Brother 10, I should pop a video in the post. See? I obviously looked desperate.
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    Don’t want to talk about this anymore. What’s the weather like with you?
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    From: David Crutton
    To: Janice Crutton
    Sent: 7 January 2009, 10.36
    Subject: Re: Sorry.