Existence by James Frey Read Free Book Online Page A

I want now. Who I am. I’ve given my entire life to dancing, and I’m not going to turn my back on that. It’s my dream. My destiny, I guess you’d say. It took almost losing it to figure that out. I went a little crazy for a while, thinking it was so easy to just wish yourself into a different life. I’m going home, Feo. Thank you for helping me understand that I belong there. Just like you belong here. I’m sorry for ever suggesting otherwise .
    Best wishes,
    Alicia
    Jago doesn’t understand. Has he done this to her? Broken her,convinced her to give up her dreams?
    He’s the one who put her in harm’s way, by failing to live up to his responsibilities. If he’d only done his job, killed Alejandro and Julio, not fallen prey to this stupid delusion of kindness and mercy, then Alicia would have been safe.
    His job, his entire life, is to protect his people. Maybe this is his punishment for imagining he could escape that, or want to.
    Or maybe she means it, and this was, as she said, simply a vacation for her, a break from her cozy life.
    Either way, this was inevitable. His mother was right: They’re too different. They’re too dangerous for each other. Alicia made him soft . . . and the consequences of that have made her heartbreakingly hard.
    You are who you are, she wrote.
    Best wishes, she wrote.
    He doesn’t know which one hurts more.
    Jago locks himself in his room for two days and two nights. He gives himself over completely to his anguish, letting it sweep over him, wash him out to sea; he drowns in it, drowns in memories of her. Jago has been taught how to withstand pain, how to retreat to a place in his mind where he doesn’t feel it, but he lets himself feel all of this: pain, guilt, betrayal, fury. He lets the fire rage inside of him, lets it burn everything away—and then, when he’s hollow and clean, burn itself out.
    When he’s ready, when it’s done, he sets fire to the letter, drops it into the trash bin, and watches the flames consume what’s left of her.
    He emerges from his room a different man.
    A man who’s learned his lesson. Not to dream, not to wonder, not to love. Not to think he deserves anything more than what he has—not to think he’s anything but a monster. Feo , outside and in.
    This is good. This is as it should be.
    He will not forget himself again. He will not be tempted by mercy or beauty. He will not show weakness. He will find Julio, and punishhim, as he will punish all enemies of the Tlaloc and the Olmec. But he won’t do it for Alicia, who ran away from him. He vows he will never again put some girl, some stranger from a foreign line, ahead of his own friends and family. He will never stop loving her; he will never forget her. But she is his past, and his past doesn’t have to define him. She taught him that.
    A new future starts today. And from today on, he will act only for his line. He will care only for his own. They’re the only ones who can understand what he is, and love it.
    They’re the only ones he can trust.
    Hayu Marca Tlaloc steps out of the SUV and ventures into the abandoned alley, her high heels clicking against the cobblestones. She looks down in disgust, carefully stepping over a pile of drying dog shit. She’ll have to throw the shoes out when she gets home.
    A small sacrifice to the cause.
    At her side, she carries a small briefcase, filled with US$100,000.
    Julio’s eyes light up when he sees it.
    â€œYou did a good job,” she tells him.
    He bows his head. “Gracias, Señora Tlaloc.”
    â€œBut I’m surprised you’re not halfway to Brazil by now—my son’s sure to come looking for you, and I promise, he’s not very happy.”
    He doesn’t dare meet her eyes. “I came for my payment.”
    â€œAh, yes. Your payment. Well worth it, I have to say.”
    Her plan has worked out better than she could have