F My Life by Maxime Valette Read Free Book Online Page A

to her in Spanish, but that she only ever replied in English. I said, “Oh, kinda like Chewbacca and Han Solo?” FML
    Today I was driving and stopped behind another car. The driver didn’t move for at least a minute. I got out of my car, yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn’t breathing. FML
    Today I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching Internet porn, I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML
    Today I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. My boyfriend replied, “3-D glasses just work for the movie; everything else in the world is pretty much already 3-D.” FML
    Today I spent almost my entire English class turned on, thinking that the hot girl next to me was playing footsie with me. That is, until she stood up and I realized I had been rubbing my foot on her backpack. FML
    Today I noticed that a prospective employer I had been networking with had changed her last name on her email signature. I wished the acquaintance congratulations on her marriage. Her divorce was finalized this week. FML
    Today my entire family sat down in the living room to watch the video I had recorded of my sister’s college graduation. It turned out that I had never hit Record. FML
    Today I tried hallucinogenic mushrooms for the first time, with my friend. Little did I know, the effect lasts for around six hours, and I had class at three, when I had to give a presentation in front of thirty people. FML
    Today I asked my boss for a raise. He responded by saying, “Who the hell are you?” FML
    Today I cut myself on a Band-Aid box, while trying to get a Band-Aid out for another cut. FML
    Today I changed the C on my report card into a B so I wouldn’t get in trouble with my parents. I spent the entire day perfecting the B’s positioning, cutting exactly around the edges of the size ten font, and I sliced my finger in the process. I was grounded for getting a B. FML
    Today, while alone in the communal showers in the high school football locker room, I jokingly started to swing my penis around. Two minutes later the rest of the team hopped into the shower. Thirty dudes, one self-induced boner. FML.
    Today I told the man I’m sleeping with that I thought my sister was prettier than me. He replied, “Not significantly.” FML
    Today I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed, I realized that there were two thongs there. I didn’t pick up hers. FML
    Today my husband found the box my morning-after pill came in. He had a vasectomy ten years ago. FML
    Today I was doing a PowerPoint presentation for the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation a window popped up notifying me of a new message. The subject line read: “RE: your job application for the post of Marketing Manager.” FML
    Today my husband invited his new boss and the boss’s wife to dinner. During the meal, I tasted the wine and apologized for its bad quality. Somewhat annoyed, I announced, “Don’t drink that. I’ll go and look for another bottle.” Our guests had brought the wine. FML
    Today, in front of a hospital, I noticed that an old lady was having trouble lighting her cigarette because she had Parkinson’s disease. I helped her to light up, and she started chatting with me. She told me she had lung cancer. FML
    Today I was on a transatlantic flight with earplugs in my ears. The steward walked past with a plastic bag. I threw my litter into it and didn’t immediately understand why he said, “Very funny, sir.” It wasn’t trash—he was collecting for UNICEF. FML
    Today I went to fill up my car. Five hundred feet before the gas station, I saw a motorcycle gang in my rearview mirror. I slowed down and pulled over to let them pass. They were going to fill up, too. Thirty-five motorcycles and two gas pumps. FML
    Today I was walking my son to