F My Life by Maxime Valette Read Free Book Online Page B

school. After scolding him for not looking where he was going, I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to me … and I walked him right into a light pole. FML
    Today I met a guy who said he thinks he’s in love with my sister. As a joke, I told him that my sister cheats on everyone. I got home to find my sister crying, because someone had told her boyfriend that she’s cheating on him. FML
    Today I went to my friend’s house to smoke weed while his parents were out. Forty-five minutes into smoking, his parents called to say they’d be home in five minutes. We decided to spray the house with Febreze to mask the smell. We were high and in a rush. It was bug spray. FML

    Today, on a crowded train, a cute guy called me over and told me to stand next to him because there were fewer people there. We started talking, but he left before I could get his number. I was about to call my friends to tell them about him, when I realized that he had stolen my phone. FML
    Today I was helping to supervise a five-year-old’s birthday party in an inflatable obstacle course. I was playing hide-and-seek with the kids. I saw the birthday boy and crept around the corner, yelling, “Found you!” I scared him so much that he peed his pants in front of everyone. FML
    Today I closed out of a video chat with my boyfriend to go take a shit. I took my computer with me to check my email. It took five minutes for me to realize I was still on video chat. FML
    Today at work I spent three minutes struggling to uncork a wine bottle for one of my tables, only to have the diners point out to me that the bottle was a twist-off. FML
    Today I saw my male boss holding a purse. Just to be a smartass, I made fun of him as if the purse was his. It was. FML
    Today I was playing musical chairs at a family reunion. It’s a well-known fact that I’m competitive and tend to hip-check people to get that last chair. It came down to me and Nana. I won. Nana has a broken hip. FML
    Today I was a host during a kids’ event. I started to do some funny moves to entertain the kids. I was wearing a low-cut top. Then I noticed that all the children were pointing at me happily and the adults looked shocked. Both my boobs had popped out. FML
    Today I was pulled over by a bike cop for speeding in a twenty-five-mile-per-hour zone. As the cop walked toward my car, I flicked my cigarette butt out of my window. He wrote me two tickets instead of one. FML
    Today I walked by my roommate and his girlfriend while they were hugging. I asked, “What’s up, lovebirds?” They were in the middle of breaking up. FML
    Today I drank a ton of beers for my twenty-fifth birthday. My friends love to watch me open beer bottles with my teeth. I chipped both of my front uppers doing this. Twenty-five is the age at which I’m no longer covered by my parents’ dental insurance. FML
    Today I lost $200 playing poker while wearing my new shades. It turned out that you can see the cards in the reflection on the lenses. FML
    Today I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously felt lost. Feeling like I should help, I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, “I can’t find my caretaker.” I asked, “What does she look like?” FML
    Today I went in for my second day at my new internship. My bosses greeted me and told me we were going to have a meeting. The meeting was to listen to the voice mails I had left them on Saturday when I was drunk. FML
    Today, in front of the entire family, I yelled at my mom and told her she wasn’t a good parent. She replied, “Well, at least I had friends when I was your age.” FML
    Today I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment, and I told her I didn’t have a condom. She responded by laughing in my face. When she noticed my look of confusion, she said, “Oh, you actually thought I’d have sex with you?” FML
    Today I was at the airport, about to listen to Disney’s
Camp Rock
soundtrack on my iPhone. I pressed Play, only to realize a minute