F My Life by Maxime Valette Read Free Book Online

was having sex with my girlfriend, and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach. I came while she was writhing in pain. FML
    Today I decided to make a Pop-Tart. I thought it was bad enough when it fell through the grate in the toaster oven. Then it burst into flames. I spent five minutes fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, but the alarm continued to go off. Now everyone who lives in my building is outside in a snowstorm. FML
    Today I was at a bar in Canada and was really hitting it off with a girl. She asked how big my junk was and I told her, in inches. They use centimeters. FML
    Today a toddler’s ball rolled over to me in the park. I playfully pitched it to him, as his parents watched from afar. The ball hit him in the face. FML
    Today I thought I was giving a woman the orgasm of a lifetime until I realized that she was telling me to stop pulling her hair. FML
    Today I buried my girlfriend’s recently deceased cat. Later she asked to see the grave and then came back inside, crying. I hadn’t buried it completely. Its two back legs were poking out of the dirt. FML
    Today I broke up with my boyfriend. I called him two minutes after I left, and he had already fallen asleep. FML
    Today I was looking at porn on my laptop when my mom came into my room to talk to me. After she had finished what she was saying, she paused and said, “You know, I can see the reflection of your computer screen in your glasses.” FML
    Today my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play “Guess who.” The second her hands touched my face, I instinctively grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor. FML
    Today I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style was fun; it reminded him of what it was like to rape a girl. FML
    Today my girlfriend asked if her friend Alex, from high school, could join us for an amazing threesome. As a horny dude, how could I say no? It turned out that Alex is also a guy’s name. FML
    Today I was watching a porn video on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. The speakers continued to function after the laptop was closed. FML
    Today I decided to get in shape. I went to the store to buy some free weights. I couldn’t take them home. The box was too heavy. FML
    Today I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help, she smiled. When I took one of her bags, she yelled. She was deaf. FML
    Today I finally mustered the balls to skip out of class early, only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all two hundred people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I went back to my seat, sat down, and took out my notebook. FML
    Today, after a late night at the bars, I got into my building’s elevator with a Chinese man who was carrying a plastic bag. Excited, I asked, “Oooh, are you still delivering?” He replied, “I live here.” FML
    Today I was taking the elevator down, and it was full of people. It stopped on the second floor, and before the doors opened, I said, “What asshole can’t take the steps from the second floor?” A kid in a wheelchair got on. FML
    Today my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see that he was holding a strap-on. With a smile on his face, he said, “Now, do me.” FML

    Today a woman walked out of the Humane Society with a cat carrier. I asked her, “Oh, did you adopt him?” She walked past me and started crying. She had just brought her cat in to be euthanized. FML
    Today I had a sexy dream, woke up, and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk, naked, to see my brother and his girlfriend lying in the bottom bunk, awake. FML
    Today I went on a first date with an Egyptian-Cuban girl. I asked her what language she was brought up speaking. She said that her mom spoke