Falling for Autumn by Heather Topham Wood Read Free Book Online

“That’s nice. Although I don’t think symbiosis actually works between lab partners.” I tried to derail the conversation by taking a long sip of my coffee. It was burning hot, scalding my throat as I forced it down.
    Josh’s penetrating stare as I set the coffee down made me uneasy. Finally, he cleared his throat and changed the subject. Our conversation over coffee was much less awkward. I think without the romantic trappings, I felt like more myself. I pretended our outing was merely two friends having coffee together. When Josh wasn’t hung up on Blake, he was actually easy to get along with. With two older sisters who adored him, Josh had plenty of anecdotes about the ways they embarrassed their baby brother growing up.
    I always envied people with siblings. Being an only child gave me an inflated sense of responsibility. I was my parents’ legacy and if I failed at life, they wouldn’t have another chance. Siblings are also built-in friends and something I desperately needed two years earlier.
    It was relatively early when we finished coffee, but Josh didn’t put up a fight when I suggested we return to the dorm. I wanted to end things on a good note and decide where I wanted to take the relationship with him. My feelings were still platonic, but I questioned whether I should give it another try and see if something more developed. I didn’t want a relationship, but as disastrous as things turned out with Hunter, there were some aspects I still missed. I missed the face-splitting grin I had when he called. Also, I longed to have someone look at me like he did, as if I was the only person in the world who mattered. When things were good, Hunter made me feel like the sun and he’d bend down to worship before me.
    After parking Finn’s Ford Focus in the student lot, Josh walked me to my room. When he lingered at the door, I didn’t know how to end the night. Should I shake his hand? Pull him in for a hug? Before I could overanalyze, I saw him press his lips together and angle his body toward mine. As he leaned in for a kiss, I stepped back and blushed.
    I was a fraud—pretending to be able to date. I hadn’t kissed anyone in close to two years and my feelings hadn’t changed. Just fucking kiss him , I chided myself. But it would be cosmically wrong to go along with it. I was in constant battle against my submissive side and I wasn’t about to embrace it to spare hurt feelings.
    “I’m sorry, but I told you I wasn’t ready to date,” I said, staring at his dress shoes. Josh had made an effort with his appearance for dinner as well. His khaki pants were pressed and he’d replaced his typical worn T-shirt with a button-down oxford.
    Josh sighed. “I’m sorry. I understand this wasn’t supposed to be a date. But I really like you. I know you have stuff going on in your life…”
    I cut him off. “What are you talking about? What stuff?”
    His voice became soothing. “I’ve heard about your panic attacks. My older sister suffers from them and she’s always told me how horrible they feel—like you’re trying to breathe underwater.”
    I was on the verge of tears, embarrassed my weakness had become gossip fodder for the only friends I made at college. “I have to go,” I said softly and didn’t wait for his reply. He opened his mouth to protest, but I unlocked my door and slipped inside my room. I pressed my ear against the door and after he gave a he avy sigh, I heard him retreat.
    Ugly emotions were swirling around me and I hated how vulnerable Josh had left me. The panic attacks were my private pain, but unfortunately many of the symptoms couldn’t be concealed. At night they would come, sneaking their way into my sleep, wrecking my dreams and forcing me awake. I screamed and thrashed at times when I was stuck between sleep and consciousness. Lexi was an understanding roommate, but she must’ve told Finn and Josh about the inconvenience of having a head case for a roommate.
    I couldn’t