Festivus by Allen Salkin Read Free Book Online

people aired complaints like: “ Don’t call me to place an order unless you actually know what you want!” “I hate the NOPS Payroll Dept,” “I singed off my eyebrows,” and “Why does my roommate insist on singing opera at all times?”
    SPACE TO GRIEVE
    If you are not the owner of this book, please write at least one grievance on the next page about the owner. If you are the owner, write complaints about your cheap friends who, for instance, are always borrowing your books and not returning them.
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________
    ________________________________________________

    A betogaed Carlos Almendarez of San Francisco worships his foil-sheathed totem.
    In another homage to
Seinfeld,
the Holiday Market featured a “regifting station” where items including chipped vases and a shadow box display of golf tchotchkes were dropped off and free to anyone who wanted them. “Tags explained the history of each item,” says Renee Allie, who had the paid position of Festivus Coordinator. “That stuff kept moving. The table was small and there was stuff all over it.”
    Among the fifty local vendors actually selling things, there was a booth from the Native American Houma tribe, where flower pins made from gar fish scales were for sale. The gar, which has a mouth lined with needlelike fangs, is like the ancient Roman saperda: nasty. So that much was within Festivus tradition.
    What might not sit so well with Festivus fundamentalists (those who believe the
Seinfeld
text of Festivus is meant to be taken literally and no embellishment is allowed), was the Festivus market’s Flattery Booth, held in a colorful tent named the Office of Homeland Serenity. Here, eight “Festivus Flatterers” were assigned to shower one minute of praise on anyone who requested it. “They said things like, ‘You look fabulous,’” Allie says. “One flatterer played a ukulele and sang improv songs about people.”
    The fundamentalists can take heart. Bootlicking lost out to bitching; while about 180 people asked for flattery during the six-day event, more than 400 aired grievances.
    16-YEAR-OLD KYLAH AND HER FRIENDS AIR GRIEVANCES
    Kylah Eide and her friends love Festivus. They do it more than once a year. They used to gather in the Eides’ living room in Timmons, Ontario, until her mother got sick of Festivus and forbade it in the house. Recent Festivi have taken place outside in the snow. They use a vacuum cleaner as their pole, the only option they can afford on their allowance-based incomes. They burn tinsel. Then they grieve. Oh how they grieve.
    The Grievances My Friends and I Said to one Another
    by Kylah Eide
    “Courtney, you are a terrible sister. You’re the dumbest one in your class and think you’re better than everyone. I expected so much more than what you have become.” (Courtney was about 6 years old at the time, by the way) [sister’s name changed]
    “When we’re