Finding Zach by Rowan Speedwell Read Free Book Online Page A

Broke his heart, yeah, to know that David was so close, just up the road at the gatehouse that had been his own second home throughout his childhood. Home in that warm little place with the fieldstone fireplaces, the polished wood floors, the cheerful curtains and overstuffed furniture. Was he even now sleeping late in that twin bed under the hand-pieced quilt his mother had made him years ago? No, David had always been an early riser. He was probably out on his mountain bike right now, or running, those long tanned legs flashing as he sprinted uphill, laughing back at the child Zach, who’d tried so hard to keep up with him…. Zach swallowed hard and turned away. “No,” he said again. “I’m not afraid.”
    “Then how do you feel?”
    Three months ago, Zach had snuck into the gatehouse when Annie was working up at the main house and crawled into that twin bed, bundled under that quilt. It had been clean and smelled of laundry detergent, and the sheets of bleach, but there was a scent of David there too. It had been so comforting that he’d fallen asleep there and only woke up when he’d heard Annie’s car in the drive. He’d had to sneak out the back way so she didn’t see him there. “I don’t know,” he said dully.
    He felt more than saw the exchange of glances between his parents.
    “What about you, Jane? How do you feel about David being here?”
    Jane glanced nervously at Zach. He gave her his best blank face. “Well,” she said hesitantly, “Richard and I have always been fond of David, so it’s not easy, I mean, it’s not comfortable to have him here and not feel like he’s welcome…. Not that he’s not welcome, their house is part of his mother’s compensation, and she has every right to have whomever she likes there. But Zach is our priority, so we have to accommodate Zach’s feelings….”
    Zach was shaking his head. “No,” he said. “No, you don’t. I’m not the one in charge. I don’t want to be the one in charge.”
    “Do you feel like your parents are trying to put the responsibility on you, Zach?”
    “No,” Zach said. He shook his head again. “I don’t know. Ta… David can do what he wants. I don’t care. He’s nothing to me. I’m not afraid of him.”
    “You wouldn’t mind if your dad and I went to see him while he’s here?” Jane asked cautiously.
    His head jerked up, his throat thick with betrayal. They wanted to see David, when he couldn’t? That was unfair. That was so unfair…. “Do whatever the fuck you like,” he said coldly.
    “Zachary,” Richard said reprovingly, “don’t swear at your mother.”
    “I’m sorry,” he said, drawing in on himself. “That was inappropriate.”
    “No, I think that was important,” Dr. Barrett said thoughtfully. “Jane, Richard, one of the things that we’ve discussed in these sessions is that you don’t feel that Zach expresses his emotions in a healthy way. He’s never sworn before in any of these sessions. Does he swear outside them?”
    “No, of course not,” Jane said hurriedly. “Zach is always polite. It’s just… just that he’s stressed out because of David. You know, Doctor, you know how he hates and fears David.”
    “Do you hate and fear David, Zach?” the therapist asked curiously.
    “No,” Zach said.
    “What do you feel for him, then?”
    So not going there, Zach thought, and just shook his head.
    “Would you like to see him again?”
    “No.” The answer was quick and sure. A knot of nausea soured his stomach at the thought of seeing David. “I don’t hate him,” he said dully. “I just can’t see him, that’s all. I don’t care if you see him”—he glanced at his parents—“or anything; it’s okay. I mean Annie sees him, right? I don’t, like, freak out over her, do I?”
    “Annie is not your mother,” Richard said carefully. “Do you feel like we would be betraying you if we chose to be friends with David?”
    “No.” Zach shook his head. “I used to be