Finding Zach by Rowan Speedwell Read Free Book Online Page B

friends with him myself.”
    “Would it hurt you if they did?” the doctor asked.
    “No.” That was a lie, but it didn’t matter. He sat through these sessions for his parents, not for him. They thought they did some good, helped him reintegrate or whatever the current catchphrase was for trying to get a crazy person back among the sane. He thought it was rather pointless, but if it made them feel better, put him that much further from the loony bin, he’d play their games. It didn’t mean he had to be honest. Just careful. He’d had a shock when Jane had brought up David, but he was back in control now. He smiled at the therapist. “I don’t expect Mom and Dad to be friends with all of my friends, so why should I object to who they want to be friends with?”
    “Do you have friends, Zach?”
    He gave the shrink that careful false smile again. “Of course I have friends. I go out. I don’t sit in my room and rock, you know.”
    “Where do you go?”
    “A couple places in town.” Zach shrugged. “I play pool, have a few drinks, same thing everyone else does when they go out.”
    “Do you have a boyfriend, or anyone special you go out with?”
    “No. Just a bunch of people.”
    “Why don’t you invite them over sometime, honey?” Jane asked with a smile.
    He gave her the same smile back. “I don’t think so. They’re not that kind of people.”
    Her smile faded. His didn’t. “What do you mean?” she asked carefully.
    “They’re just not,” he said dismissively. “They’re club people, not home people. Just because they’re my friends doesn’t mean I want them involved in every aspect of my life. They’re not that important.”
    “Friends are important,” Richard said.
    “Not these.” Zach shook his head. “It’s okay. I’ve only been home ten months—”
    “Nine,” Jane said softly.
    “—and I haven’t had time to build any relationships, okay?” Not any that mattered. “It’s okay, really. I’m finding my way. It takes time, okay?”
    “Of course it’s okay, honey,” Jane said.
    Yeah, of course it was okay. Everything he did and said was okay, wasn’t it? His jaw was starting to ache from the fake smile. He wondered if they’d be okay with what really went on when he went out at night, went to the clubs with the convenient little rooms and the convenient guys that went with them. It would make them sick. Hell, it made him sick. He said again, “I’m just finding my way.”
    “I just wish—” Jane started, then stopped.
    “Wish what?” Dr. Barrett asked.
    “That I would do something constructive,” Zach said. “Like go to school. What about it, Mom? Should I sign up for art lessons at Wesley?”
    She flinched, but said only, “If that’s what you want, honey, of course.”
    “Or maybe go to work for Dad,” Zach said, still smiling. “I’m a shitty programmer, but hey, if the boss’s kid can’t get a job at the company, who can?”
    “You know it’s not just programming,” Richard said carefully. “There are other parts of the company that you’d enjoy working at.”
    “Thanks,” Zach said gently. Careful. They were oh, so careful. Like handling a bomb. Not sure if it was armed, not sure if it was going to explode in their faces. So careful.
    “But as long as you’re going out and socializing, making friends….” Jane began.
    Fuck it . Still in that gentle tone, Zach said, “They aren’t really so much friends, Mom. Just people I fuck.”
    There was dead silence in the room. Then Jane said, “You are being safe, though, right?”
    He stared at her a long moment, then started to laugh. Somewhere the laughter turned into tears, and he leaned his head down on his arm and cried. Jane went to her knees beside him and stroked his hair; Richard came around behind the wicker armchair and rubbed his T-shirted back. Finally, he raised his head to take the tissue his mother handed him and blow his nose. “Sorry about that,” he muttered. “Didn’t