Forbidden Broadway: Behind the Mylar Curtain by Gerard Alessandrini, Michael Portantiere Read Free Book Online

floor and crawls offstage. I

    [MAN enters as a stagehand, with a hand truck. He
waits for her to finish.[

    [With great effort, the MAN hoists JENNIFER onto the
truck and rolls her offstage.[

    "The Impossible Song"

    "Alfred Drake"
    ALFRED
    [He enters flamboyantly, dressed as Petruchio in Kiss
Me Kate, with Van Dyke beard. He jumps on the piano,
lies on his side, and sings.]

    "Chita and Rita"
    CHITA
    [Enters dressed in purple, like Anita in West Side Story.]

    [RITA enters, dressed exactly the same.]
    RITA
    Hello, Chita.
    CHITA
    Rita, what are you doing here?
    RITA
    I'll be doing the movie version of Kiss of the Spider
Woman. I'll probably win another Oscar. You can
present it.
    CHITA
    I'd sooner die.
    RITA
    You probably will. I just came by to clarify one t'ing:

    CHITA

    RITA

    [CHITA sings Ai!"at the beginning of each of the next
lines.I

    [They dance and fight.I
    BOTH

    "Liza One-Note"
    LIZA

    [She speaks while fidgeting all around the stage.]
    Oh, God! I love showbiz! The lights! The audience! The
curtain! The piano player ... whoever he is. But, no,
really ... he's terrific, he's just terrific. And speaking of
terrific: I feel terrific! How do you feel? Good. You know,
I recently played Carnegie Hall just like my Mama, Judy
Garland, did thirty years ago ... but better! Ahh! Ahh!
Ahh! Hello, I love you! Thank you so much for coming.
Touch me. Would you like to? Go ahead ... it's all right.
Goon.
    [She reaches out to an audience member, then pulls
away sharply. ]
    That's enough. Can I be serious for a minute? Okay.
You know, now that we're here together like this, I just
want you to know how truly terrific it feels so sing
one note the way I do. So when I get to the part of the
song where I sing AAAAAAAHHI IHH!!!! Do you know
the part I mean? Oh you do, you do! I love you! Both of
you. Well, we're going to sing it together, and it's really
terrific because-Oh! Oh! Ahh! Ahh! I have an idea! We
will have ... a practice! We'll have a practice! Now when
I count to three, we'll all sing together. Ready? One ...
two ... three ... AAAAAAAAHHHHHH}I!!!!!
    [She is humiliated that no one joins in.]
    Darlings! It was this close, but you see, in order for
this to work, all my darlings have to sing with me! You
see, all my darlings have to sing together [She giggles
nervously.] at ... the ... same ... time!
    [She giggles even more nervously, then suddenly turns
threatening.]
    Look, if you won't do it for me, do it for
Mama. Okay, ready? One ... two ... three ... AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIHFIHH!!!! Oh, that's
terrific. We'll sing 'em all, we'll stay all night!
AAAAAAAAAA I I H H H H H H!!!!!

     

In the 1980s, Broadway was in a bit of a slump. For aspiring performers like me, Forbidden Broadway was the perfect playground in which to sing, dance, and poke fun.
The show was a hit, and lots of big stars came to see it. We were thrilled to get the
chance to meet so many legends of theatre and film.
    One of the oddest experiences I had was meeting composer Richard Adler. He had gotten wind that we were using the tune of "Hernando's Hideaway" from The Pajama
Game, one of the two shows he co-wrote with the late
Jerry Ross. Although music rights were always cleared for
our show, he felt that he had final approval on our parody.
A press kit was sent to him, and an invitation to the show
was extended. He declined and insisted that we come to
his home and do the number for him personally.
    Roxie Lucas.
    The parody was of Tango Argentino. I was dressed in
a black strapless gown with slicked-back hair, and I sang
and danced the tango with my partner, Mark Martino.
At the climax of the number, I spun offstage and was
replaced by a dummy dressed exactly like me; it was one
of those life-size blowup dolls from a porno shop, with
an O-shape for a mouth. Mark flung the doll around,
pounded it on the piano, and generally abused it before throwing it offstage. That's when I staggered back
on. This was extreme