Futures and Frosting by Tara Sivec Read Free Book Online

charges!
    “M-o-o-o-o-m! 
Did you hear me?  I said I know what you guys are doin’ when you make phone
calls,” Gavin repeats.
    Sure, go
ahead and repeat it.  Obviously you need to make sure we are sufficiently
freaked out.  CHILDREN ARE THE DEVIL.
    Maybe if I just
completely ignore the situation, he’ll forget about it.  I turned on the radio,
frantically searching for a song he knows that he can butcher the lyrics to.
    Why is there
so much fucking talk radio at five o’clock in the evening?
    “Ooooh, this is
a good song, Gavin!  Do you know this song?” I ask overenthusiastically.
    Carter looks at
me like I'm insane as Kenny G notes filled the car.
    Fucking Kenny
G.  Couldn’t you record ONE song with some lyrics?  Michael Bolton taught you
nothing.  Epic fail, Kenny.  Epic fail.
    “You guys always
lock your door when you make phone calls,” Gavin says.
    Son of a
bitch, Kenny G!  You put everyone to sleep but my son.  The ONE thing you had
going for you and now it’s gone to shit.
    “You guys kiss
in there, don’t you?” Gavin asks.
    I stop swaying
to beat of Kenny G and shut off the BIC Lighter App on my phone, noticing that
Carter is still looking at me funny.  It’s like he’s never met me.  I'm trying
to get Gavin’s mind off of fertilization and bees fucking pigeons!
    “YES!” Carter
shouts.  “That’s exactly what we do.  We kiss.  That’s all we do.  Just
kiss.  Sometimes Mommy and Daddy need to lock the door so we can kiss. 
And…just kiss. What else would we do in there besides kiss?  Ha ha!  Mommy and
Daddy sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-”
    I reach over and
squeeze his arm to get him to stop talking as we pull into my dad’s driveway. 
Gavin unbuckles his seatbelt and scrambles out of the car to race to my dad,
his attention already diverted.  My dad scoops him up into his arms and meets
us at the car as Carter gets Gavin’s overnight bag out of the backseat, and I
stand by my open door, breathing a sigh of relief that Sex Ed with our
four-year-old is finally over.
    “Hey, Papa! 
Mommy and Daddy lock their door so they can kiss!” Gavin tells him excitedly.
    My dad looks a
little grossed out and quickly changes the subject.
    “I got that
movie 'Gnomeo and Juliet' for us to watch tonight,” he tells Gavin.
    Sadly, Gavin
isn’t going to be deterred even for garden gnomes that come to life and ass
rape a small community while they sleep.  I’m sure that’s not what really
happens in a children’s movie, but in my mind it is.  Garden gnomes are
creepy.  I firmly believe they come to life after you go to bed at night and
violate you.
    “Mommy and Daddy
make a lot of noise when they kiss.  Mommy talks to God a lot.  I talk to God
sometimes too.  I asked him for a puppy and a new monster truck but I was nice
and didn’t yell at him like Mommy does.  He still hasn’t gotten me the puppy
though.”
    And on that
note, we kiss Gavin good-bye, jump into the car, and take off.  My dad can deal
with the birds and the bees and cows and the chickens and the kissing horses
while visions of his daughter screaming for Jesus dance in his head.
    We pull up to
Liz and Jim’s house fifteen minutes later and park in the street behind the
biggest limo bus I’ve ever seen.  Liz had told me she rented something small
and modest to drive us around so we wouldn’t have to worry about ruining
someone’s night and forcing them to be our designated driver.  Obviously her
version of small and modest differ greatly from mine.  This thing could house
an entire football team with room to spare.
    “It’s about time
you two fuckers got here!” Drew yells as he meets us at the end of the driveway,
tossing a beer through the air towards Carter.
    In honor of the
wine tours that evening, Drew dons a shirt with a picture of a corkscrew on the
front that reads, “I pull out.”
    We walk up the
bus steps to join everyone else, noticing they are all well on their way toward
getting