Futures and Frosting by Tara Sivec Read Free Book Online Page B

says enthusiastically as
she pulls a handful of papers out of her purse and starts passing them out.
    I cover my hand
over my mouth as I scan the list.  No point in puking now.  I’ll never be able
to projectile vomit far enough to reach all the copies.
    Find a guy
with an accent.
    Meet a guy
with the same name as the groom and take a picture with him.
    Make out with
one of the bridesmaids.
    I really don’t
think I should be sober for this right now.
    “Mrs. Gates, you
are looking positively radiant this evening.  Have I mentioned that yet?” Jim
states sweetly as he comes up behind his future mother-in-law and puts his arm
around her shoulder.
    “Now, don’t try
and distract me, James.  I’ve got something for you too,” she says as she unfolds
a baseball hat that said “Groom” on it and places it on his head.
    “Folks, if this
is everyone, I need you all to take your seats so we can leave,” the limo
driver informs us as he pokes his head in the door of the bus.
    “Well, I guess
that’s my cue to leave,” Mrs. Gates says as she stands there, not making any attempt at moving.
    She glances
around at everyone expectantly, waiting for someone to beg her to stay and join
us.
    No one speaks.
    Or moves.  There
might have even been an uncomfortable cough that I think came from the driver.
    “Okay….well…you
kids have fun now!” she finally says as she walks to the door of the bus.  “Oh
my goodness, I almost forgot the most important thing!”
    She turns back
around and rushes down the aisle towards Liz.  Everyone groans quietly.
    Mrs. Gates stops
in front of her daughter and reaches into the giant suitcase she calls a purse
and pulls out a penis.  Or should I say, “ penis products .”  Lots and lots
of penis products, things I didn’t even know they made in the shape of a penis,
and now I will have to bleach my eyes at the thought of Liz’s mom walking into
a store and purchasing these items:
    A candy necklace
full of sugary penises, a penis-shaped water bottle, a penis-shaped pacifier
that she decides needed to be tied around my neck.
    Yes, I am
absolutely going to stay classy this evening.
    But she isn’t
done yet, oh no.  Next out of her bag of tricks: penis-shaped pasta. 
Seriously?  What the fuck do we need with a bag of penis-shaped pasta on a limo
bus?  We’re not going to fill a pan with some water from the tiny bathroom at
the back of the bus and stick it on the engine to boil it so we can make maca weenie and cheese.
    She hands Jenny
a box of penis gummies that Drew tells her to open up immediately because he
wants to hear her say, “This penis tastes so good.”  Last but not least, she
hands everyone different colored rubber penis pen caps.  Because you know, at
some point during the night there might be an emergency that calls for someone
to write a note using only a pen with a penis pen cap.
    I should
check the scavenger hunt.  It could be on the list.
    Mrs. Gates looks
like a perverted Mary Poppins pulling penises out of her carpet bag.  I'm
waiting for her to pull out a penis-shaped lamp or a penis-shaped coat stand. 
When she finally emptied her bag of all things phallic, she steps off of the
bus and we all let out sighs of relief—and then we rip every single sash, hat,
veil, and suck for a buck item off of us.
    Drew pours
everyone a shot of Tequila Rose (in penis shot glasses, of course) and passes
them out.
    “What is this
pussy shit?”  Jim asks as he sniffs the thick, pink liquid in his shot glass.
    “It smells like
strawberry milk,” I say with a cringe.  I don’t know about anyone else, but
milk and liquor just does not sound like it should go together.
    “It tastes like
strawberry milk too.  And it’s good shit.  I thought I’d start us off with
something girly tonight so know one hurls in the first hour,” Drew explains.
    We all nod in
understanding.  No one wants to be the first one to puke.
    The six of us
sit at the back of the bus around the