Gasping - the Play by Ben Elton Read Free Book Online

affect the make up of the
atmosphere.
     
    PHILIP: Oh absolutely Sir, in broad terms
there is clearly no problem ... locally however, the story can be somewhat
different. As you are aware Sir, when the machines suck in oxygen they create
an equal and opposite amount of carbon compounds, hence there is no pressure
drop.
     
    SANDY: Which has been considered essential
right from the very beginning, no unseasonal winds are created, the weather
remains unaffected.
     
    PHILIP: Hmm yes, unfortunately until a
natural wind blows ... within the localized environment, where mass sucking is
taking place, there can develop a bit of a shortfall on breathing material ... not
for very long, but well, ‘not very long’ is actually quite a while in
respiratory terms ... It’s suddenly all got rather serious, in some areas brief
periods have arisen where strolling for a bus has been a similar experience to
climbing Mount Everest.
     
    SANDY (looking at report): Unfortunately, without the accompanying exhilaration, sense of
personal achievement and potential to capitalize on your name through
commercial sponsorship.
     
    CHIEF: I see.
     
    PHILIP: We are beginning to be looking at a
potential scenario where grannies could start keeling over in the streets.
     
    SANDY: Chief I have to tell you, that sort
of development could be a public relations nightmare.
     
    PHILIP: The same thing’s happening abroad.
There’s a lot of wild talk about ‘massively prohibitive licence fees, possibly
even a blanket ban. I very much fear that Suck and Blow is spiralling into Dodo
mode.
     
    CHIEF: I see. You’re clearly rather
depressed about this Philip. What about you Sandy, are you as depressed as
Philip?
     
    SANDY: If anything I’m slightly more
depressed.
     
    CHIEF: Hmm, I feel terrific.
     
    SANDY (tiny pause): I must say I’m perking up.
     
    CHIEF: It seems to me gentlemen, that what
we are doing here is forgetting the Moon landings.
     
    PHILIP (mystified): Ahhhm, yes Chief, you’re right, I did leave the Moon landings out of
this particular equation ... was that terribly wrong of me?
     
    CHIEF: The Moon landings were a financial
disaster of horrendous proportions. Twenty billion dollars to achieve two small
bags of dust; so much had been hoped of them; so little achieved; it would have
been better if they had never even bothered. Until that is, somebody noticed
the Velcro.
     
    PHILIP: Velcro, Chief?
     
    CHIEF: Millions of nylon hooks and eyes on
fabric strips.
     
    PHILIP: Uhm yes, I know what it is, but ...?
     
    CHIEF: Developed for specific uses during
the space programme, then somebody decided to stick it on anoraks and turned it
into a Pot Noodle. Within fifty years it will have paid for the whole fiasco.
Out of evil came forth good. Gentlemen, we must find new ways to use our
machinery.
     
    PHILIP: Uhm yes, forgive me Sir, but it’s using the machines that’s the problem. I really am rather  concerned that well we
might have  produced a product that might well  kill someone.
     
    SANDY: With all due respect to Philip, if
the tobacco industry had taken that kind of line, some of the world’s greatest
sporting events would never have been sponsored.
     
    CHIEF: No no, I think that Philip has a
point, we certainly don’t want deaths on our conscience, bad for morale, bad
for business. However, a solution presents itself which also opens up a whole
new world of commerce and profit.
     
    PHILIP: It does?
     
    CHIEF: It’s really very simple ... We build
Super Suckers and Bumper Blowers, far in advance of anything currently
available, and undertake to collect oxygen in under-populated areas. Then
councils who find their atmospheres temporarily thinned, through, I might add,
the actions of their own citizens, will be in a position to make up the
shortfall by hiring us to pump some back into the public arena.
     
    SANDY: My God! It’s brilliant.
     
    PHILIP: So Chief, you’re suggesting that
having . made a huge profit from