Gasping - the Play by Ben Elton Read Free Book Online Page B

our only
real competition will be the first night of Aspects of Mussolini. I was
very worried about last week’s Channel Four re-rerelaunch but they blew it by
switching to Asti Spumante after Michael Grade left.
     
    PHILIP (looking about): This launch is terribly important to me Kirsty, it’s a hearts and
minds launch.
     
    KIRSTEN: Which is why it’s so important to
get the champagne and dippy things right ... Top quality bite-sized savoury
thingies and plenty of them. (motions to table) The times I’ve heard
high-level opinion-formers dismiss an entire product range on the strength of
soggy filo pastry.
     
    PHILIP: Well this little lot should
guarantee some decent coverage.
     
    KIRSTEN: You can never, never tell ... you
can have the most successful launch of all time, then Princess Di gets out of a
low slung sports car, some hack gets a decent shot of her knickers and you’ll
be lucky if the press find room for you on the sports pages.
     
    PHILIP: It just goes to show ‘there ain’t no
such thing as a free lunch.’
     
    KIRSTEN (slightly offended): Well there isn’t any call for that kind of comment.
     
    PHILIP (confused): What? I mean did I ...?
     
    KIRSTEN (a zealot on her pet subject): Free lunch is what keeps the mighty cogs of public relations
turning. Why without free lunch there would be no more magazines, no more pop
records, no more television programmes, no new estate agents opened ...
     
    PHILIP: God, heaven forbid.
     
    KIRSTEN: Free lunch is the universal
lubricant ... from a tiny, two-person, tax-deductible power pasta to a
six-hundred-head media faceful like this. Without free food London would stop
moving, we’d be a third world country in a month.
     
    PHILIP: You’re absolutely right Kirsty,
sorry ... A fellow gets so tied up in his own little area that it’s shamefully
easy to forget the quite incredible amount of dedicated eating that has to go
on just to bring a product before the public.
     
    KIRSTEN: PR and Media is the product
Philip. As you Say, it’s hearts and minds.
     
    PHILIP: Yes, no more so than in this case.
Sadly there are still people who rather resent their councils having to buy in
private air to make the streets safe. We’ve got to get people to understand
that pushing private air into the public arena is the inevitable result of
people’s God-given right to own their own air.
     
    KIRSTEN: The press packs are very clear. (glossy
brochure) I’ve had my very best people working on the buzz words and catch
phrases ... (flicking through) I’m particularly pleased with ‘air’s
fair’, and ‘an Englishman’s nose is his castle’ ... (looking at watch) Christ
is that the time! Sir Chiffley will be here any moment, and I haven’t checked
that the waitresses’ little black skirts are short enough ... (She makes to
leave.)
     
    PHILIP (slightly embarrassed, grabbing
his moment): Uhm, hang on a moment Kirsten ... there
was something I wanted to say ...
     
    KIRSTEN: Better make it quick Phil ...
     
    PHILIP: What? oh yes, of course ... well
it’s just that ... Oh hell, I’m not much good at this sort of thing ... I wanted
to tell you that you have got the most fantastic ... most fantastic ... people ...
No really, you have great ... people and ... and well ... I’d really like to
get my hands on them ...
     
    KIRSTEN: Thanks Philip, I’ll memo them.
     
    PHILIP: I’d like to memo them too Kirsten.
Yes I would, I’d like to give them a bloody good memoing, I mean it ... and
it’s not just your......  people  I also love your...... presentation, you have
beautiful presentation  You’re a very special lady Kirsten ...
     
    KIRSTEN: What’s on your mind Phil, is there
a problem?
     
    PHILIP: Problem? a hundred and twelve types
of ‘no  way’! It’s just, it’s just that well Oh this is ridiculous, I don’t
need to be embarrassed, after all, I know how you feel.
     
    KIRSTEN: You do?
     
    PHILIP: Yes of course I do ... after what
you said in the