Grow Up by Ben Brooks Read Free Book Online Page A

maybe be a father.
    No.
    No, I absolutely am not.
    It would not be allowed to happen.
    However, I do now have an idea for removing Abby Hall from Devon and ensuring the success of The Georgia Plan.
    â€˜Is there any wine?’
    Fucking flower-smasher.
    â€˜In the fridge.’
    â€˜Can we go upstairs now?’
    â€˜Okay.’
    Back upstairs Tenaya falls asleep midway through an episode of Gilmore Girls . I try to decide: Loralai or Rory. I can’t. I turn on Tenaya’s laptop and play minesweeper and I get a new best time for intermediate but that doesn’t mean anything because Tenaya is shit at minesweeper.

7
    It is Tuesday afternoon. We have finished school and me and Tenaya are sat in Lily’s with a pot of tea between us. She is wearing long sleeves. She tried to go straight home after school and I told her she couldn’t.
    I show her my plan for keeping Abby Hall away from the upcoming events. It is in letter form.
    Dear Abby Hall,
    We are writing to inform you that despite heavy illegal drug use during early pregnancy, your prenatal test has shown up no signs of defective genes or chromosomal abnormalities in your foetus.
    It may also interest you to know that the relative elasticity of your labia, as caused by frequent intercourse, will mean that labour itself will prove relatively painless.
    We wish you the best of luck with your gestation and look forward to seeing you in March!
    Ramad Chankrih
    Head of Babies and Drugs and Stuff at the hospital on London Road
    Tenaya laughs and some tea dribbles out of her nostril.
    â€˜Nobody would believe a doctor said that,’ she says. ‘Defective genes and chromosomal abnormalities are not caused by heavy drug use.’
    â€˜Her parents don’t know that.’
    â€˜Of course they do. I know that.’
    â€˜So?’
    â€˜Doctors don’t use exclamation marks.’
    â€˜Enthusiastic doctors do.’
    â€˜You wrote the phrase “elasticity of your labia”, Jasper.’ She raises her eyebrows. ‘Nobody would believe a doctor said that.’
    â€˜Yes, they would, it’s scientific phrasing.’
    Tenaya picks up the letter and proceeds to read from it, laughing.
    â€˜â€œRamad Chankrih, Head of Babies and Drugs and Stuff at the hospital on London Road”. And that?’
    â€˜It’s layman’s terms. If I wrote Head of Paediatrics and Substance Abuse then her parents might not understand. I would like them to be very clear about what the implications of this letter are.’
    Tenaya scribbles ink over the crest on her pack of Benson and Hedges. She presses it onto the top right-hand corner of the letter so that an inky coat of arms is left. She assures me that this has added to the letter’s apparent authenticity. We pay for our tea and leave.
    At home, Mum and Keith are sat around the kitchen table drinking coffee. I make a cup of tea and start to walk upstairs but Keith begins to talk.
    â€˜Hello, sport,’ he says. I believe that he has learned this name from watching American television. ‘Me and your mum were thinking about us all going on a holiday. What do you think?’
    â€˜Sounds nice.’
    (He is going to murder us both in a Third World country where the police force are corrupt and he can bribe them to ‘turn the other cheek’.)
    â€˜How would you feel about Lanzarote?’
    (Jesus said to ‘turn the other cheek’. Jesus is Keith’s partner in crime.)
    â€˜Ping went two years ago and he said it was nice.’
    (Lots of barren land, he said. Perfect for burying bodies.)
    â€˜You have the Psychology trip this weekend, don’t you?’ Mum asks.
    â€˜Yes, Friday and Saturday. It is in Plymouth. We are going to meet murderers.’
    â€˜That sounds exciting,’ Keith says.
    I have already met Keith, who is a murderer, and what I can tell you about murderers as ascertained from him is that they can blend in. Murderers can