Grow Up by Ben Brooks Read Free Book Online

up.
    â€˜I’m hungry,’ I say.
    â€˜Yea.’
    â€˜I’m making tea.’
    â€˜I’ll be down in a minute.’
    I walk the four flights of stairs down to the kitchen in the basement. It is a calm, dark bunker. A single naked light bulb throws a dim yellow against the walls. It is an energy-saving light bulb. Tenaya’s parents think it is a planet-saving light bulb. I think it is too late to save the planet.
    The kettle boils loudly because it is angry at being woken up. I give Tenaya the Harry Potter cup and take a wonky brown one her Mum made at a pottery workshop for me, then I roll two cigarettes and arrange everything on the table. I am being considerate. I will make Tenaya feel safe and comfortable so that I can find out why she is making cries for help.
    She comes down the stairs, does a small smile, and takes a seat opposite me. She takes a sip of her tea to see how hot it is. I put my finger in mine.
    â€˜Can we talk about your arms now?’ I say.
    Tenaya lights one of the cigarettes. She rests her head in her hand. ‘No.’
    â€˜Why are there cuts on your arms?’
    â€˜Jasper.’
    â€˜I heard about self-harming on the radio. They said it was a common way of asking for help.’ I try my best to make a smile. ‘Can I help?’
    â€˜I didn’t do it for a reason.’
    â€˜Then why?’
    â€˜I don’t know.’
    I light my cigarette and sip the tea. Tenaya’s hands look smaller than I have ever seen them and they are shaking. The bones in them stand out like cocktail sticks under her skin.
    â€˜Is it Tom still?’
    â€˜Not everything has a reason, Jasper.’
    â€˜Is Tom the reason?’
    â€˜Maybe.’
    I look hard into her eyes, like policeman do on the television when they know a witness is hiding something.
    â€˜Are you okay?’
    She doesn’t say anything. She looks down into her mug. I try to imagine what a man in a film would do. A man in a film would lean forward and tilt her head upward and see something in her eyes that explains everything. I think if I do that, Tenaya will hit me.
    She crushes out her cigarette and looks up.
    â€˜It happens sometimes,’ she says. ‘I don’t know why. Sometimes I just feel not well. I don’t know. It isn’t because of Tom. It isn’t because of anything. That’s the point, I think. Maybe it is Tom. I don’t know, Jasper. Sorry.’
    â€˜Oh.’ I don’t know what to say. I am being confronted with real human emotions. I should do something. I want to do something. ‘Does anything help?’ I say.
    â€˜People,’ she says. ‘When there are people here.’
    â€˜Okay. Then text me when you feel like that, please.’
    â€˜Thanks, Jasper.’
    â€˜We just had a serious talk.’
    Tenaya laughs. She downs the last of her tea and stands up.
    â€˜Are you hungry still?’
    â€˜A bit.’
    â€˜Beans on toast?’
    â€˜Thanks.’
    I roll more cigarettes while she makes toast and microwaves beans. Her shadow flashes across the kitchen tiles. She will be a good wife. A good wife and a good mother and a good adult. She will get better. I will try to surround her at all times until she does.
    We eat quietly with Radio 4 on. Once I have finished, I decide to find out if I will become a father.
    â€˜Tenaya,’ I say, ‘out of interest, can girls get pregnant on their periods?’
    She tries not to laugh. ‘No,’ she says. ‘Well, it is basically impossible.’
    I AM NOT GOING TO BE A FATHER. I HAVE WON THE LOTTERY.
    â€˜Why?’ she says.
    â€˜Isn’t it obvious?’
    â€˜Abby?’
    â€˜Yes.’
    Tenaya bites her lip. ‘You weren’t told?’
    â€˜Told what?’
    â€˜Abby wasn’t on her period. It was her first time.’
    â€˜What?’
    â€˜Her hymen, Jasper. You smashed her flower.’
    Oh, fucking hell. I am still going to