Grow Up by Ben Brooks Read Free Book Online Page B

be social chameleons. You have to have a wealth of empirical evidence in order to get a conviction. This means that meeting murderers will probably not be particularly exciting because they will attempt to appear as normal, pro-social citizens.
    â€˜Yes,’ I say. ‘Very exciting.’
    I torrent a film noir on my computer then put the letter to Abby in a manila envelope. I got her address from the phone book because I know that her dad’s name is Amadeus. When I take it to the post office, I wonder briefly what happens if front-desk postal employees are handed letters addressed to themselves. It is probably Royal Mail policy that they still put them into the system but I suspect that they secretly take them home. I do not think about it for very long because I am eager to go home and masturbate.
    Inside of my room, the film noir has finished downloading. I do not watch it because, right now, my penis is a pent-up volcano or an old dam or a chubby cloud or a melting bar of bounty.
    I go to www.girlsoncam.com, enter my nickname as ‘Dr Dong7’ and begin a conversation with TghtYngPssy.
    TghtYngPssy: hello
    You: hi
    TghtYngPssy: i don’t want money
    I feel affronted and flaccid. The girl looks young and is wearing a Mickey Mouse jumper. Her legs are bare.
    You: okay
    TghtYngPussy: what do you do?
    You: i go to school
    I am surprised by my own honesty.
    TghtYngPussy: i used to go to school. i had to leave
    You: why?
    TghtYngPussy: money, we needed money. you can get money by putting things in your bum on the internet
    You: um
    You: then shouldn’t you be trying to elicit money from me?
    TghtYngPussy: it doesn’t matter. whether you pay or not, i will still have to spend every day in front of this computer
    She lights a cigarette. Her eyes are like the eyes of an elderly cat.
    TghtYngPussy: what would you like me to do?
    You: i don’t mind, it’s up to you
    TghtYngPussy removes her vermillion thong. This is an unprecedented first. Girls never remove their underwear in public chat. Then she just sits there, dragging on her cigarette, thighs parted like the red sea. I am Moses.
    I pull one of Keith’s golf socks over my penis. I have taken to using them in revenge. I am covertly avenging the death of Margaret Clamwell through guerrilla masturbation.
    After four minutes the sock is full and I empty.
    TghtYngPussy: are you finished?
    You: yes, thank you
    TghtYngPussy: it’s okay. will you promise me something?
    You: okay
    TghtYngPussy: please work hard in school
    She logs off.
    This has been disorientating. In order to orientate myself, I write the draft of an email that I will send when I can be sure that Amadeus Hall has read my letter.
    
    RE: Misfortune
    Dear Abby,
    I am writing to congratulate you on your recent acquisition, a foetus!
    Kiera told me yesterday. I am sorry that your parents grounded you and that you will not be able to attend either the Psychology trip on the 12th, or the cottage party on the 22nd. I’m sure there will be other parties when you are not pregnant, and they will be just as fun!
    I would also like to confirm with you that the baby is not mine because we did not have sex. Although I did touch your vagina with my fingers, I feel 95% sure that they were free of semen and so the baby cannot be mine. Please do not tell anyone that I am the father of your baby! If you do, then we will go on Jeremy Kyle and do a DNA test and everyone will know you are a liar. You know what Jeremy thinks of liars. It would be a very humiliating experience for us both (but mainly for you).
    You also have crabs, Abby! You gave them to me! I know this because I watched you itching your groin when we were doing beer bong, which is why you dropped it and got beer over your t-shirt. I tried shaving off my pubic hair and cleaning the infected area with bleach and wirewool but it did not work. After a brief consultation with Dr Sarah Mathers,