was wearing navy blue Dockers
and a forest green cardigan over a creamy yellow tennis shirt. He had arranged his light brown hair to cover his bald spot.
“What’s the game plan?” I whispered to Lynette as Curtis prepared a distinctly unappetizing plate of cubed cheese and salami.
Clearly Lynette had no hand in the food preparation.
“I just want you to be here with me. They’re not going to try any hanky-panky if you’re here,” Lynette said.She looked jaundiced and weary. I don’t think I’d ever seen her without makeup.
“Where’s Hunter?” I asked.
“At my in-laws.”
“Does Curtis know that I know?” I asked.
“I told him you knew everything,” Lynette said. “He just about shit in his pants. Excuse my French.” (I’ve often wondered
how French people feel about this phrase and whether they say excuse my English whenever they swear.)
The doorbell rang and we both jumped. Curtis sprinted to the door. Lynette grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard. I heard a
man’s boisterous greeting. “Well, howdy!”
“Howdy yourself,” Curtis answered congenially. “Welcome to our humble abode.
Mi casa es su casa.”
“And I’ll take the taco supremo with extra hot sauce!” came the rowdy response, followed by a woman’s giggling. Lynette stared
miserably at me as Curtis led the couple toward the living room. I held the baby monitor to my ear and heard Pete snoring
lightly. I couldn’t bring myself to turn around. I desperately wanted to escape. “This is my wife, Lynette,” I heard Curtis
say. “And our neighbor, who was just about to leave.”
“Hey, no hurry. The more the merrier!” His was a big, friendly, burly voice, hers was high and mild and tittering. My chest
clenched as I realized that the voiceswere familiar to me. I forced myself to face them. Jesus. It was Melanie and Wade Rosen. I hadn’t seen them since Roger and
I met them for coffee at Starbucks in February.
“Well I’ll be gosh darned! Valerie! Lookee here, Mel. It’s Valerie!” Wade was wearing a black cowboy hat, snakeskin boots,
and a Cubs sweatshirt pulled tight over his formidable gut. Melanie wore a bright red dress and black suede boots.
I was obviously more embarrassed than either of these two. “Wade. Melanie. I don’t know what to say!”
“Don’t say anything, sweetheart, just take off your clothes,” said Wade. “Heck, when Mel and I started talking about this
swinging stuff, you and Roger were on our short list, you know.”
Melanie elbowed her husband. “Ho-ney, cut it out. I think you’re embarrassing Valerie. You’ve got to forgive him, Val. He
had half a beer before we left the house and it went straight to his head.”
I saw the tormented expression on Lynette’s face and knew I couldn’t leave without accomplishing something. “Hey, Mel, I don’t
believe you’ve ever seen my house, have you?”
Melanie looked confused but wanted to be obliging. “No, I haven’t. Not since you guys moved out to suburbia.”
“Oh, why don’t you walk me over. I’m just next door. I’d love to get your opinion on window treatments.”
“Right now?” Melanie asked.
“Please.” I reached out and grabbed her hand. “It’ll only take a minute.”
As soon as I got her out of the house, I quickly explained that Lynette was violently opposed to swinging. “She did look a
little terrified,” Melanie admitted. “To be perfectly honest, I got bad vibes as soon as we walked in.”
“Look,” I told her. “I know you guys are sexual adventurers, and it’s none of my business. But wouldn’t it be more fun if
all parties involved were, you know, into it? I can’t imagine that you’d have a good time if you knew Lynette was doing it
because her husband coerced her.”
“You’re absolutely right,” Melanie said. “It would be awful. I’d never be able to relax.” She leaned toward me. “This was
all Wade’s idea, you know. He took the classified ad