Her Darkest Nightmare by Brenda Novak Read Free Book Online

of the climb.” She ran her finger over the raised flesh of the scar on her neck.
    â€œYou don’t ever regret breaking it off with me?”
    There were times she did, but, given her limitations, there were other times she felt relief. She almost expressed how torn she was but knew that wouldn’t make things any easier. For his sake, she had to remain decisive. “No, I did the right thing.”
    He nodded. “Okay, I’ll leave it at that.”
    â€œThank you.” She’d warned off other men over the years, too, had destroyed every chance she’d ever had to be with anyone who excited her. She justified it by telling herself she was protecting those who might be hurt or disappointed by her limitations. But she knew she was ultimately protecting herself.
    Amarok had actually gotten closer to her than any of the others. For a short window, she’d felt like she could overcome the past, with his help. But then Jasper resurfaced and … As much as she sometimes craved a sexual relationship, especially with Amarok, she just couldn’t cope with all that held her back.
    She lifted her glass for more wine. If they weren’t going to obtain any sexual gratification, she figured they might as well enjoy what they could and keep drinking.
    â€œWhy’d he do it?” he asked. “What could a guy possibly get out of torturing you—or anyone else?”
    Her mind went back to the first attack. She’d worked so diligently to distance herself from those three days when she was sixteen, but ever since last summer it was harder to put that incident in perspective. Her emotions and her memories were just too close to the surface. “He was a sadist. And a sadist derives sexual pleasure from hurting others.”
    â€œThat’d be the clinical definition.”
    â€œYou’re looking for more?”
    â€œYou knew this guy.”
    She downed the rest of her wine. They’d talked about this before, but the question remained and would remain until her research or someone else’s could provide the answer. Why? That was what everyone wanted to know—her most of all. “I can’t explain on that level, even after all my studies. Not really. That’s part of the problem.”
    â€œYou loved him. You told me that.”
    â€œI did. Even worse, I thought he loved me. But he was incapable of true emotion.”
    He poured for her. “If he wanted to kill you, why didn’t he do it in the beginning? Why bother pretending?”
    â€œUntil that point, he’d probably only fantasized about killing. He hadn’t actually crossed the line. Besides, it was foreplay. It’s the building of excitement that makes the climax so enjoyable.”
    She hadn’t meant to create a double entendre. In her office, she might’ve said the same thing to almost anyone. But in this setting, it came off totally different.
    Luckily, his dog distracted them both by coming over to lick her hand. It was almost as if Makita understood her pain and was offering his sympathy, which made her smile as she scratched under his collar.
    Amarok broke the silence. “Last summer, I wanted to ask but didn’t…”
    Assuming it would be another difficult question, she swallowed hard. “What?”
    â€œHad you slept with Jasper before it happened?”
    â€œYes. He didn’t rape me because he couldn’t get it any other way.” Another reason Jasper’s behavior had been such a terrible betrayal. She hadn’t withheld anything from him, not her virginity and certainly not her heart.
    â€œThat’s what I hate most,” he said with a grimace.
    Feeling cold again, she adjusted the throw blanket. “I don’t follow.”
    â€œHe took all the things that were meant to be good and twisted them into something painful.” He turned toward her, and this time she didn’t glance away. She let him study her, risked