He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter Read Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Steven Carter
more exciting day-to-day life than the average person.
11. You believe that any difficulties you have with commitment will be resolved once you meet the “right” person .
If you have commitment issues, the myth of the right person is the backbone of your denial system. Unable to compromise with mere mortals, you keep looking for that special someone. If you are unable to find such a person, you are obviously unable to have the right relationship. Consider the following example:
Dennis, a thirty-four-year-old executive, has absolute faith that all commitment requires is the right person. In the course of hislife he meets a great many beautiful, intelligent, lovely women who are attracted to him. But none of them is quite right; either they are too dependent, too bossy, too passive, too aggressive, too career oriented, too baby oriented, too something. Once every two years or so Dennis meets someone he thinks could be the right person. But inevitably she lacks the ability to maintain a relationship. Perhaps she is just about to move to another state or even another country. Perhaps she is already involved with somebody else. Perhaps she has extremely unreasonable boundaries or rules about space. Or perhaps she simply doesn’t want a relationship, at least not one with him. Whatever the reason, there is no way that his perfect woman is going to be making a commitment to him.
Dennis’s attitude reveals another pattern that goes hand in hand with a life devoted to searching for the mythological perfect person: Men and women hooked on this myth can and do fall in love with people who fall far short of their ideal—provided that these partners are inappropriate or unavailable.
12. The time intervals between your important relationships are often extreme .
Most of us have read books or articles explaining how an individual handles the loss of a love, even when that loss is brought about through one’s own actions—as in the case of a relationship that one has chosen to end. We know we need time to grieve, time to reevaluate, time to work through our feelings and understand what happened. And then we’re ready to move on and love again.
Men and women with commitment issues rarely go through this process in a “normal” fashion. Instead once again they go to extremes. Some jump right into another “important” relationship, allowing too little time to sift through feelings. Others experience a depression that goes deeper and lasts far longer than the circumstances seem to call for. Traditionally this type of behavior had been associated with women.
We look at someone who runs from relationship to relationship and we realize that he or she can’t possibly fall in or out of love that quickly; we watch someone pining over a lost love and we realize that he or she is holding on to a self-defeating illusion.Both the jumpers and the mourners reflect the kind of unrealistic attitude toward romance that is so often symptomatic of unresolved commitment conflicts.
13. You have difficulty reaching any decision that limits your future options .
Choosing from a restaurant menu, deciding on a purchase (a computer, a VCR, a home, a car), making appointments in advance—all of these require a commitment. That’s because commitment isn’t just about romance. It’s about life, and in life there are umpteen moments when you are going to have to make decisions, large and small.
People who struggle with commitment have a tough time deciding on anything permanent. Whether it’s a residence or a job, they don’t want to do anything they can’t undo, and they don’t want to get into anything they can’t get out of. Wary of making the wrong choice, worried about getting trapped or stuck, nervous about losing their freedom and their choices, they can never comfortably close off any options. And no sooner do they make a choice—be it a new living-room sofa or a potential life partner—than they begin to question or find fault
11. You believe that any difficulties you have with commitment will be resolved once you meet the “right” person .
If you have commitment issues, the myth of the right person is the backbone of your denial system. Unable to compromise with mere mortals, you keep looking for that special someone. If you are unable to find such a person, you are obviously unable to have the right relationship. Consider the following example:
Dennis, a thirty-four-year-old executive, has absolute faith that all commitment requires is the right person. In the course of hislife he meets a great many beautiful, intelligent, lovely women who are attracted to him. But none of them is quite right; either they are too dependent, too bossy, too passive, too aggressive, too career oriented, too baby oriented, too something. Once every two years or so Dennis meets someone he thinks could be the right person. But inevitably she lacks the ability to maintain a relationship. Perhaps she is just about to move to another state or even another country. Perhaps she is already involved with somebody else. Perhaps she has extremely unreasonable boundaries or rules about space. Or perhaps she simply doesn’t want a relationship, at least not one with him. Whatever the reason, there is no way that his perfect woman is going to be making a commitment to him.
Dennis’s attitude reveals another pattern that goes hand in hand with a life devoted to searching for the mythological perfect person: Men and women hooked on this myth can and do fall in love with people who fall far short of their ideal—provided that these partners are inappropriate or unavailable.
12. The time intervals between your important relationships are often extreme .
Most of us have read books or articles explaining how an individual handles the loss of a love, even when that loss is brought about through one’s own actions—as in the case of a relationship that one has chosen to end. We know we need time to grieve, time to reevaluate, time to work through our feelings and understand what happened. And then we’re ready to move on and love again.
Men and women with commitment issues rarely go through this process in a “normal” fashion. Instead once again they go to extremes. Some jump right into another “important” relationship, allowing too little time to sift through feelings. Others experience a depression that goes deeper and lasts far longer than the circumstances seem to call for. Traditionally this type of behavior had been associated with women.
We look at someone who runs from relationship to relationship and we realize that he or she can’t possibly fall in or out of love that quickly; we watch someone pining over a lost love and we realize that he or she is holding on to a self-defeating illusion.Both the jumpers and the mourners reflect the kind of unrealistic attitude toward romance that is so often symptomatic of unresolved commitment conflicts.
13. You have difficulty reaching any decision that limits your future options .
Choosing from a restaurant menu, deciding on a purchase (a computer, a VCR, a home, a car), making appointments in advance—all of these require a commitment. That’s because commitment isn’t just about romance. It’s about life, and in life there are umpteen moments when you are going to have to make decisions, large and small.
People who struggle with commitment have a tough time deciding on anything permanent. Whether it’s a residence or a job, they don’t want to do anything they can’t undo, and they don’t want to get into anything they can’t get out of. Wary of making the wrong choice, worried about getting trapped or stuck, nervous about losing their freedom and their choices, they can never comfortably close off any options. And no sooner do they make a choice—be it a new living-room sofa or a potential life partner—than they begin to question or find fault
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