He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter Read Free Book Online Page B

with the choice.
    This quality frequently extends to “committing” to plans. We once interviewed a man who was unable to use a pen to write down dates in his calendar. Because he had to leave himself a way out, he always used pencil so that he could erase anything he had put down. Although few people are this extreme, men and women who are conflicted about commitment frequently resist planning too far ahead.
    Commitment anxiety can surface anytime a decision has to be made. That’s because there is no such thing as the perfect choice. Once we have made a choice, we must not only learn to live with what we have chosen but also with the knowledge of what we have given up.
    Sometimes it’s easier to recognize your commitment conflicts when they emerge in nonromantic areas. If you struggle with commitment, there are likely to be many such places in your life where your struggle is evident. That means that there is something going on in your psyche that transcends interpersonalchemistry, transcends cultural input, and transcends what happened to you at the high school prom.
    14. You become acutely uncomfortable when you feel someone is closing in on you or invading your space .
    Think about the expression “I need more space.” Think about how it is used in relationships. Now for a moment forget about your love relationships. Let’s just think about how it makes you feel when someone comes to visit and “invades” your space. How easily do you adjust? Do you find yourself “climbing the walls” when others take up your territory? How about when someone stands too close to you in the office or when someone moves an object on your desk. How anxious does it make you feel? How angry?
    Remember that men and women with commitment conflicts need distance. They don’t like feeling as though someone is closing in on them and limiting them in any way. That’s why space and territory are always such major issues.
    15. In your head you always maintain psychological space and a possible way out of every situation .
    If you have unresolved commitment conflicts, you almost always maintain a secret little spot in your head in which you are free and alone. Here’s how this works:
    You’re married, but in your head you have a built-in escape plan that you can put into operation on short notice. You’re in a relationship, but in your head you know exactly how you can get out should you choose. You’ve held the same job for eight years, but in your head you might leave tomorrow, and just in case, you continue to read the employment ads. You own a house, but you have never fully decorated it because in your head you might sell it someday soon. If you have unresolved commitment issues, even if you never, ever take a single step toward leaving, psychologically you’re always one step out the door in every situation. You’re there, but you’re not there. You’re committed, but you’re not committed. You haven’t run away, but you know you can. And it’s knowing you can that keeps you from fleeing. That’s what gives you your sense of freedom.
    If someone tries to remove that sense of freedom, you may well experience a sense of distress that is akin to what claustrophobies feel when someone is limiting their space. This response can include all of the classic phobic responses including intense anxiety and a need to break out, get away, run, and hide.
    16. You gravitate toward professions or employment conditions that allow you flexibility in terms of time and space .
    Because employment involves many of the same conditions as romantic partnerships, people with commitment issues often have very distinctive ways of handling their work lives. If you have a tough time committing yourself to anything that limits your freedom, you may try to avoid work that insists on rigid rules in terms of time and place. When forced to maintain nine-to-five routines, those with commitment conflicts may job hop, numb their discomfort with drugs or