Horrid Henry's Joke Book by Francesca Simon Read Free Book Online

Why didn’t the skeleton and the monster fight?
    The skeleton didn’t have the guts.
    Why was the Egyptian boy upset?
    His daddy was a mummy.

    During which age did mummies live?
    The Band-age.
    What does a monster mommy say to her kids at lunch?
    Don’t talk with someone in your mouth.
    What did the metal monster want written on his gravestone?
    Rust in piece.
    What pets does Dracula own?
    A bloodhound and a ghoulfish.

    What is sung in the vampire production of Abba hits?
    Fang you for the music.
    Who works in monster hospitals?
    A skeleton staff.
    What feature do witches love having on their computers?
    A spell checker.
    What should you do after shaking hands with a monster?
    Count your fingers.
    When a vampire drinks too much, what does it get?
    A fangover.
    What did the vampire crawling through the desert say?
    â€œBlood! Blood!”
    What do vampires cross the sea in?
    Blood vessels.
    Which monster ate the three bears’ porridge?
    Ghouldilocks.
    What do you call a ghostly teddy bear?
    Winnie the OOOOOHhhhhhhhh.
    What haircut do monsters like?
    Deadlocks.

    What did the pirate get when he hit the skeleton?
    A skull and very cross bones.

    Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
    He had nobody to go with.
    Where do skeletons swim?
    The Dead Sea.
    Boy : Mommy, Mommy, Ralph just called me a werewolf.
    Mom : Shut up and comb your face.
    Why are zombies never lonely?
    They can always dig up a few friends.
    What do you get if a huge, hairy monster steps on Batman and Robin?
    Flatman and Ribbon
    Hangman :Do you have a last request?
    Prisoner : Yes, can I sing a song?
    Hangman : All right. Just one.
    Prisoner : Ten million bottles of pop on the wall…
    Why is the letter V like a monster?
    It comes after U.
    What did the monster say to his daughter?
    â€œYou’re the apple of my eye eye eye eye.”
    What is a monster’s favorite game?
    Hide and shriek.
    What should you say if you meet a ghost?
    How do you boo?
    What do little ghosts drink?
    Evaporated milk.
    When do ghosts usually appear?
    Just before someone screams.
    What would you find on a haunted beach?
    A sandwitch.
    What do short-sighted ghosts wear?
    Spooktacles.

    Why did the mummy have no friends?
    He was too wrapped up in himself.

    Where do ghosts go on vacation?
    Death Valley.

BELCH!
CRUNCH!
OOZE! SPLAT!
Ha ha ha. These are great jokes to tell when you want to make people feel sick.
    Vampire to Son : You’re late. We had guests for dinner. They were delicious!
    What do cannibals like for breakfast?
    Buttered host.
    What does Dracula like for breakfast?
    Ready neck.
    Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
    Because he had bat breath.
    What do monsters make with cars?
    Traffic jam.
    What do cannibals play at parties?
    Swallow the leader.
    What does a sea monster eat for dinner?
    Fish and ships.
    How do monsters have their eggs?
    Terrifried.
    What’s the difference between school lunches and slugs?
    School lunches come on plates.

    What do you call someone who puts poison on their breakfast?
    A cereal killer.
    What do mermaids have on toast?
    Mermalade.
    Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
    No, they eat the fingers separately...
    What’s yellow and dangerous?
    Shark-infested custard.

    What do you get if you cross an egg with a barrel of gunpowder?
    A boom-meringue.
    Waiter! Waiter! Your thumb is in my soup.
    Don’t worry. It’s not hot.
    Waiter! Waiter! This egg is bad.
    Don’t blame me, I only laid the table.

    Waiter! Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup.
    I’m sorry, sir, the dog must have missed it.

    Henry : Why is your thumb on my sandwich?
    Demon Dinner Lady : To stop it from falling on the floor again.
    What’s worse than finding a caterpillar in your apple?
    Finding half a caterpillar in your apple.

    Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
    Because they taste funny.
    What do French pupils say after finishing school lunches?
    Mercy.
    What happened to the butcher who backed into a meat