Horrid Henry's Joke Book by Francesca Simon Read Free Book Online Page B

hole in one.

    What’s the best way to make underpants last?
    Make vests first.
    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Icy.
    Icy who?
    I see your underpants.
    What goes 300 mph on a washing line?
    Honda pants.

    What do you get if you pull your underwear up to your neck?
    A chest of drawers.
    Mini Minnie : Do you know how old Miss Battle-Axe is?
    Lisping Lilly : No, but I know how to find out. Take off her underpants!
    Mini Minnie : Take off her underpants! How will that tell us?
    Lisping Lilly : “Well, in my underpants it says, ‘3 to 5 years.’”

Hold your nose for these stinkers!
    What did the skunk say when the wind blew in the opposite direction?
    It’s all coming back to me now.
    What do you get if you cross a bear with a skunk?
    Winnie the Poo.
    How do you stop someone who’s been working out in the gym on a hot day from smelling?
    Put a clothespin on his nose.
    Why do giraffes have long necks?
    Their feet smell.
    What did one burp say to the other?
    Let’s be stinkers and sneak out the other end.
(Ralph’s favorite joke)

    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Rotten egg.
    Rotten egg who?
    SPLAT the yolks on you.
    What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?
    Beethoven’s last movement.
    What do you get if you cross a skunk with a cuckoo?
    A bird that stinks and doesn’t give a hoot.
    What do you call a flying skunk?
    A smellicopter.
    What is the feeling that you’ve smelled a certain skunk before?
    Déjà phew!

Next time a doctor tries to give you an injection, distract her with a few of these goodies.
    Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m a pair of curtains.
    Well, pull yourself together.
    Did you hear about the man who swallowed some Christmas decorations?
    He got tinselitis.
    Doctor, Doctor, what’s a good cure for snake bites?
    Stop biting so many snakes.
    What did the vampire doctor say to his patients?
    Necks please.
    Doctor, Doctor, can you give me something for wind?
    Sure, take this kite.

    When is the best time to visit the dentist?
    Tooth-hurty.
    Doctor, Doctor, people keep ignoring me.
    Who said that?
    What is the most common illness in China?
    Kung flu.
    Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me out.
    Which way did you come in?
    Doctor, Doctor, I feel as if I’m getting smaller.
    You’ll just have to be a little patient.
    Doctor, Doctor, there’s something wrong with my tummy.
    Keep your sweater on and nobody will notice.

    A girl walks into the doctor’s office. She has a banana in her left ear and a carrot in her right. There’s a piece of celery in one nostril and a small potato in the other.
    â€œDoctor, I feel terrible,” she says.
    â€œWell, your problem is obvious,” says the doctor. “You’re clearly not eating properly.”
    Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a bell.
    Take this medicine and, if it doesn’t work, give me a ring.
    Doctor, Doctor, this ointment is making my elbow smart!
    Then maybe you should put some on your head!
    Doctor, Doctor, I’ve just swallowed a roll of film.
    Sit in the sunshine and hope that nothing develops.
    Doctor, Doctor, I think I need glasses.
    You certainly do, sir. This is a flower shop.
    Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing insects spinning.
    Don’t worry. It’s just a bug that’s going around.

Dave paid me $1, so I let him add a few dinosaur jokes to my book.
    What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
    Do-you-think-he-saur-us.
    Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
    There weren’t any chickens in those days.
    How do you stop a dinosaur from charging?
    Take away his credit card.
    What do you call a dinosaur with a banana in each ear?
    Anything you like. He can’t hear you.

    Why did the Tyrannosaurus Rex go to the doctor?
    He had a dino-sore.
    What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
    Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
    What do you call it when a Tyrannosaurus Rex gets the ball into the back of the net?
    A dino-score.
    What do you get when you cross a