I Am The Wind by Sarah Masters Read Free Book Online

home, the place I live in now, is nice and trendy. No fucking dirty kitchen table here. No damn way. Not that I’d be like Ted or anything. A bit of mess never hurt anyone. But it got to the point where every failed relationship chipped away at me, until one night I sat down and dragged all those memories out, picking them apart to see if I could find something, anything to help me understand what I’d been doing wrong.
    I couldn’t see a damn thing.
    Tell me. Tell me what I’ve been doing wrong.
    So I went out, that night, determined to give it one last shot. To find someone, to connect and try a final time to make a go of it with a partner, if I even found one, that was. Told myself to take it steady, little steps, not pushing even though every bit of me wanted to push. I had to learn to be normal, take one day at a time. And you came walking in The Mason’s, a waif that I wanted to hold safe the minute I saw you. I wanted to take care of you, recognised that look in your eye because shit, I saw it in mine every time I looked in the fucking mirror. And we had fun, didn’t we? So much fucking fun that night. We fitted, we honestly fitted, and when we matched in the bedroom as well…shit, icing on the damn cake.
    No, don’t touch me. Not until I’m finished. I have to get it out. Tell you everything. You did it, and you feel better for it, yeah?
    The morning came, and when I saw you getting ready to leave, something snapped.
    I couldn’t let you go. Leave. I just couldn’t do it. It was mental, what I did, and I knew it was the whole time I was doing it, but something in my head just wouldn’t shift so I could see the bigger picture. The longer the time went on, the worse it got. The more shit I was in.
    Work? Well, my boss noticed I’d been looking peaky, said there wasn’t anything I worked on that couldn’t be done from home. That’s why I was always there for you, see, why I could come down and visit you whenever I wanted. I hated keeping you down there, tied up, but I couldn’t let you go.
    Facing another person leaving me again… Fuck, I seriously need help. Therapy or whatever. This isn’t normal. People don’t go around doing this shit.
    You won’t go, will you? Now I’ve told you everything? I need…I just want you to stay, all right? I know you’ve said you will, but John said that, and look what happened there. I want you to stay because you want to, need to, and after hearing your story I really think you will. I mustn’t put pressure on you, make you feel sorry for me. That isn’t right, and Christ, that would just be me following the same pattern I always follow. I should let you have the choice. If you leave, then I’ll just have to deal with it. Wait for the coppers to knock on the door. I’m trying not to say this, trying so hard but…
    Please, don’t leave me, Christian. Please.
     
    CHAPTER FIVE
    I’m Not Fucking Going Anywhere
    “ O h, Jesus. Oh my fucking God. Christ, come here, Alfie. Please, just come here.”
    He crawls towards me, face wet, more tears streaming. This big man, this big, brawny man has a whole lot of hurt inside. And he’d said his story was stupid, giving me the impression mine was far worse. Jesus, mine’s nothing compared to his. I wasn’t fucked about until I became an adult. Yet Alfie, God, he hadn’t stood a chance from the minute he was born.
    Alfie flops on top of me, his weight pushing me into the sofa, but that’s okay. He slides his hands under me, holding me close, and I bury my face in the crook of his neck. He smells so good. His hair tickles my nose, and I hold him just as tight. I was the wind, wasn’t I? The wind in his sails? I reckon he knows where he’s going now, so long as I’m with him. And I will be. No fucking way I’m leaving him.
    As he sobs it out, wetting my shoulder with his tears, everything I’ve ever been through pales to insignificance. I have his affliction now, the need to make him feel good, to show him how it