I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that by The Betches Read Free Book Online

yourself any favors by making it seem like your job is all you have going for you.
    So no, guys aren’t only attracted to “anorexic bitches,” and there’s nothing “gross” about an education or a career. And no, by no means should you dumbyourself down, not for a guy or anyone else. It’s more that no one wants to date what you present as a walking humanoid combination of a resume and a credit card statement. There are better ways to use your success and ego to your advantage— have a little mystery about you. You should make them want to find out these things about you, not beat them over the head with it on date #1.
    Disinterested kisses,
    Head Pro
    SPARK NOTES
    If you couldn’t pay attention to anything we just wrote because you were busy drying your nails or concentrating on your tan, it’s okay. We’ve been there. Life’s hard when you’re a betch and poss not/def have ADD. So let’s break down what happened in this chapter.
    Before you even start to date, you need to make sure you’re ready. But there’s a catch. Being ready doesn’t only mean being over the last guy you were with (which requires a certain element of emotional intelligence, introspection, and not being a fucking Karen). What you really need is to have your shit together. You need to be confident with your hot bod and your brain. And if you’re not into your bod and brain, work on it. You need to believe this phrase when you say it to yourself: I’m totally chill being single but having a boyfriend sounds like it could be fun. Who wouldn’t want to date me? After all, I am the shit. Only then are you really ready to enter into the big, bad dating world.
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    1 Made-up percentage. Whatevs, you get it. Most people don’t have their shit together.
    2 By no means do we suggest this as a way of life. This is simply a test. Please continue to get fucked up with your besties.

2
So Now I’m Like, Really Pretty, Where Do I Find Him?
Getting Out There
    N ow that you know you’re hot shit, it’s time to go out there and get him. It’s important to remember that the goal of any activity or experience should never be to find a boyfriend. When you give off the vibe that you’re desperate for love, men are repelled by it because it makes you seem like you have a mission that has more to do with checking a “boyfriend” box off your list of shit to do than meeting someone truly amazing with whom you just happen to want to spend a lot of time.
    “If you don’t have a valentine, hang out with your girlfriends, don’t go looking for someone. When it’s right, they’ll come to you.”
    —Carmen Electra
    As Bethenny Frankel says, going out with the mind-set that you need to meet a guy is like going to a casino and betting with your rent money. Scared money never wins and scared dating just reeks of desperation. Your goal in all your activities should be to have a good time with whomever you’re with and if you happen to meet someone, that’s great, if not then whatevs. No one wants to date the girl who seems desperate to settle down. It’s lame, and it shows you don’t have much else going on in your life. Ideally you want to meet someone while doing things you love. If you’re doing you, you’ll attract guys that are impressed by your independence and fun attitude. You want to meet someone during your life’s journey, not have the journey be just checking items off your to-do list to accomplish the goal of meeting someone.
    That being said, you can meet guys like, literally anywhere. I mean, there are three billion of them in the world and probably at least two hundred acceptable ones. Besides the chance encounter of meeting a guy on line at Just Salad (which is pretty rare in a city like Manhattan, where, when anyone talks to you soberly, your first instinct is to clutch your pepper spray) there’s a shit-ton of casual ways to run into the opposite sex while actually doing things you enjoy.
SO WHERE ARE ALL THE MEN?
    Sober