Imaginary Friends by Nora Ephron Read Free Book Online Page A

THOUGHT, YOU’LL HAVE IT, TOO
YOU’RE MY IMAGINARY FRIEND
’MAGINARY FRIEND
LET IT NEVER END
LET IT NEVER END
’CAUSE I CAN DEPEND
YES I CAN DEPEND
ON—
    DOLLS :
    ON ME
WHEN WE GO OUT AND PLAY
    LILLIAN AND MARY :
    WHEN WE GO OUT AND PLAY
    DOLLS :
    YOU’RE ALWAYS ON MY SIDE
    LILLIAN AND MARY :
    ALWAYS ON MY SIDE
    DOLLS :
    YOU NEVER LET ME DOWN
NEVER SIT AND FROWN
NEVER MISS A STRIDE
    LILLIAN AND MARY :
    WITH ME STRIDE FOR STRIDE
    DOLLS :
    WHAT’S MORE FUN THAN MONKEYS IN THE ZOO ?
    LILLIAN AND MARY :
    IT’S AN IMAGINARY FRIEND
    ALL FOUR :
    OR TWO
DANCIN’ WITH MY DOLLY DOWN A COUNTRY LANE
CLOUDS AND RAIN WON’T DO
    LILLIAN AND MARY :
    WAITIN’ FOR MY DADDY AT THE CHOO-CHOO TRAIN
    ALL FOUR :
    WE REMAIN
WE REMAIN
SO VERY MERRY
    I BELONG TO YOU
YOU BELONG TO ME
SWEETER THAN A YAM
OR A JAR O’ JAM
AT A JAMBOREE
ICKY-WICKY THOUGHTS GO WICKY WOO
WITH AN IMAGINARY FRIEND
’MAGINARY FRIEND
LET IT NEVER END
LET IT NEVER END
’CAUSE I CAN DEPEND
YES I CAN DEPEND
YES I CAN DEPEND
UPON A FRIEND
IT’LL NEVER END
NOT WITH AN IMAGINARY FRIEND
LIKE YOU
    MARY
sits on the porch steps
. UNCLE MYERS
emerges from the house. He takes out a razor strop and flicks it against the porch railing with a sharp snap
.
    UNCLE MYERS : Mary—
    MARY : Yes, Uncle—
    UNCLE MYERS : I gave your brother a tin butterfly several days ago.
    MARY : I know. From a Cracker Jack box. Will you get me one? Please? I would love one so much.
    UNCLE MYERS : He can’t find it. Have you seen it anywhere?
    MARY : No. So it’s lost?
    UNCLE MYERS : Well, that all depends, doesn’t it.…
    UNCLE MYERS
flicks his strop against the railing again. Then he walks into the house. A beat
. UNCLE MYERS
comes back out of the house with the strop
.
    Mary—
    MARY : Yes, Uncle—
    UNCLE MYERS : Are you sure you haven’t seen the butterfly?
    MARY : Of course I’m sure.
    The door slams
. MARY
goes back to reading her book. The door opens
. UNCLE MYERS
comes back out and stands in the doorway
.
    UNCLE MYERS : Mary—
    MARY : Yes, Uncle.
    UNCLE MYERS : I found the butterfly.
    MARY : Good.
    UNCLE MYERS : Would you like to know where it was?
    MARY : Where was it?
    UNCLE MYERS : It was under your plate. Did you take your brother’s butterfly and hide it under your plate?
    MARY : No.
    UNCLE MYERS : Well, someone took your brother’s butterfly and hid it under your plate—
    MARY : It wasn’t me. Why would I do that?
    UNCLE MYERS : You wanted the butterfly—
    MARY : But why would I take it and put it under my own plate?
    MARY
starts to run away, and
UNCLE MYERS
grabs her
.
    UNCLE MYERS : Admit you took it—
    MARY : I will never admit I took it. You can beat me until I’m dead, but I will never admit I took it. Never ever.
    She squirms out of his grasp and runs into the house. He runs after her. The door slams behind him. We can’t see them, but we can hear that he’s caught her and has begun to beat her. We can hear her screaming. And now we see
LILLIAN
skipping toward the house. As she comes up the stairs, she hears
MARY
screaming. She stops. She puts her hand up to her ear in a sort of exaggerated listening pose. Then she marches up and bangs on the door
.
    LILLIAN : Hey, what’s going on in there?
[She knocks louder.]
Open up! And stop doing whatever it is you’re doing, orI’ll call the police and you’ll go to jail for the rest of your life!
    The beating continues, and we hear
MARY
screaming in pain
. LILLIAN
kicks down the door like John Wayne and reaches in for
UNCLE MYERS .
She hauls him out by his suspenders (it’s an
UNCLE MYERS
doll) and flings him down the porch stairs. She leaps down the stairs after him, takes the strop from his hand, and beats him with it
.
    You’re a bad, bad person, Uncle Myers—
    She picks him up again and flings him offstage
. MARY
appears in the doorway
.
    Run, Mary, run!
    MARY : Where? Where should I go?
[They look around.]
    LILLIAN : We’ll hide. We’ll hide in this fig tree until we figure out what we’re