Imaginary Friends by Nora Ephron Read Free Book Online

it—
    MARY
drops the teacup and saucer on the floor, and they break into tiny pieces
.
    And Harold Taylor’s maid came rushing in to sweep it up.
    MARY : I knew a black maid would enter the scene.
[To the audience.]
She could never write a play that didn’t have a black maid in it, speaking in the most appalling way—
    BLACK MAID : Lawd, Lawd, Lawd, it ain’t right to let young’unsuse the good china, Mistah Taylor. Ah tol’ you this would happen—
    LILLIAN : Actually, the maid said nothing.
    MARY : Well, had she spoken, that’s the sort of thing you would have had her say.
    STEPHEN SPENDER : I don’t remember any of this. Where was I?
    LILLIAN : You weren’t there, Stephen. We went to your house
afterwards. [To
MARY
.]
You came to pick a fight. Why? Was it because I slept with Philip Rahv?
    MARY : You never slept with Philip Rahv—
    LILLIAN : Fine. Scratch Philip Rahv as a possible explanation. Were you jealous of me?
    MARY :
[Incredulous.]
Jealous? Of what?
    LILLIAN : I know. What can it be? Not my looks, certainly. So: my money? My fame? My farm!? Tell the truth, you always wanted a farm—
    MARY : I am not a jealous person.
    LILLIAN : Nor am I.
    MARY : It’s just too easy to say that the reason women fight with each other is because they’re jealous.
    LILLIAN : Absolutely. We had plenty of reasons to dislike each other. Good reasons.
    MARY : Real reasons. I’m just not a jealous person.
    LILLIAN : Hmmmph.
    MARY : Although I have to say I have never known a jealous person who admitted to being a jealous person.
    LILLIAN : Neither have I.
[They nod. A small moment between them, perhaps.]
    STEPHEN SPENDER :
[Trying to find some common ground.]
So are we in agreement about something?
    MARY : We are.
    LILLIAN : We had a fight.
    MARY : Exactly.
    LILLIAN : And you dined out on it for years—
    MARY :
You
dined out on it for years—
    LILLIAN :
[Imitating
MARY
.]
“I was so young, she thought I was a student”—
    MARY : “They came there to red-bait me”—
    LILLIAN : “Dos”—
    MARY : “Ernest”—
    LILLIAN : Was there ever a moment we could have been friends?
    MARY : Friends? Hard to imagine.
    STEPHEN SPENDER : Ladies! Ladies!
    MARY : We had a fight.
    LILLIAN : A skirmish, really.
    MARY : And the captain of the first U-boat straightened her stockings and drove back to her home.
    LILLIAN : And the captain of the second U-boat straightened her stockings and drove back to her farm. Which
was
a farm.
    A woman enters from the wings. This is
MURIEL GARDINER .
    MURIEL GARDINER : Oh. Am I in the right place?
    MARY : Hello. You’re early. I didn’t expect you for an hour—
    MURIEL GARDINER : I know. I had a cancellation and nowhere else to go, really—
    LILLIAN
looks at
MURIEL GARDINER ,
curious
.
    LILLIAN : Who is this person?
    MARY : Have you ever seen her before?
    LILLIAN : Never.
    MARY : This person is the gun over the mantel.
    MURIEL GARDINER : Bang.
    MARY : Not yet.
    BLACKOUT
.
    CURTAIN
.

ACT 2

Scene 1
    MARY
and
LILLIAN
come onstage carrying their dolls and sit on the edge of the stage. Behind them is the fig tree and
MARY ’s
house
. MARY
begins to sing “Imaginary Friend.”
    MARY :
[To her doll.]
    I BELONG TO YOU
YOU BELONG TO ME
YOU PLAY MY FAV’RITE GAMES
NEVER CALL ME NAMES
NEVER DISAGREE
ALL THAT LONELY LONELINESS IS THROUGH
WITH AN IMAGINARY FRIEND
LIKE YOU
    LILLIAN :
[To her doll.]
    WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID?
YOU SAY THE SWEETEST THINGS
YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME BLUSH
WITH THE KINDA MUSH
YOUR DEVOTION BRINGS
CLOSE AS “A” WILL ALWAYS BE TO “B”
THAT’S MY IMAGINARY FRIEND
AND ME
    LILLIAN AND MARY :
[To their dolls.]
    DANCIN’ WITH MY DOLLY DOWN A COUNTRY LANE
YOU’RE JUST PLAIN TRUE BLUE
SWEETER THAN THE CANDY OF A CANDY CANE
YOU REMAIN
IMAGINARY
    MARY :
[To her doll.]
    I BELIEVE IN YOU
    LILLIAN :
[To her doll.]
    I BELIEVE IN YOU
    MARY :
    YOU BELIEVE IN ME
    LILLIAN :
    YOU BELIEVE IN ME
LILLIAN AND MARY:
NICE OF YOU TO COME
YOU’LL BE TWEEDLEDUM
I’LL BE TWEEDLEDEE
WHEN I HAVE A