In Her Shadow by August McLaughlin Read Free Book Online

but with him? She thought things would be okay then, back to normal and good. She even wondered if he might change his mind, find the mother he’d promised—see how upset he made her? She’d run away.
    During the walk home, Uncle Bob told her that one of the dogs was expecting, and would she like a puppy? Would she ever, she said. But when she looked up at HIM for approval, his face looked blank, yet steely. She should have known something else was coming...
    Back at the house, he’d carried her to the basement and showed her “womanly things” of his own. “GET OFF! IT HURTS!” she’d told him. When he was finished, he rolled off of her, leaving her with pain and blood. He never saw Uncle Bob or the hounds again and her wish for a puppy became another impossible dream in her collection.
    Now, as she wipes the tear from her cheek, anger replaces her heartache. He’s a monster in her eyes. Though some days she blames herself.
    Footsteps sound from the stairway. She pretends to sleep as he checks her for fever then sits down to work at his nearby desk. For a moment she’s grateful he doesn’t force her to eat.
    When he steps out and returns with the hospital machine, she’s certain her worst fear is coming true—he’s going to force-feed her through tubes from now on, take back the little control she has left, her only way to cope. She recalls the blood bags, hoping again she’d imagined them. Her heart pounds as a thought strikes her: what if he’s forcing not only sugar water, but blood, protein and cow fat into her veins? She imagines a tube stretching from a Holstein’s stomach into her own, fat blubbering up inside her until her skin can’t contain it.
    He’d threatened her once: “If you don’t eat your meat willingly, I’ll have to make you. Come now…it’s special.” It was special—all animals are. But not for eating. She thinks again of the two deer that led her to her secret hideaway... Special. Even when she ate normally, she refused to consume the only creatures more helpless than her. But the more she resisted, the more he pressed. And now...here she is, strapped down and locked in the basement and the palm of his hand.
    If he makes her swallow flesh again… Her gag reflexes contract. No—she won’t allow it. Her thoughts churn about in her head—seeking, searching. You’ve taken everything! Her thoughts are so loud, she wonders if he hears them.
    For once, she doesn’t care. She has nothing left. Nothing here, anyway.
     You don’t love me, she thinks. I know that now.
    Filled up with rage, she barely feels the needle as he reattaches her arm to the blood machine. She keeps her hate-soaked eyes away from his face. He doesn’t deserve to sense what she feels. And she doesn’t deserve the punishment that would follow. Breathing deeply and slowly, she resists the urge to snatch her arm away, take the needle from his grasp and show him what it feels like. Is he capable? He feels, all right. But she’s pretty sure his range is sparse.
    She’s more alert this time, aware of the red fluid pulsing in and out of her veins. Every so often, her abdomen cramps up. She winces, but tries not to . Pretend you don’t care. Pretend none of this matters. The problem is, it does. The emotional pain is worse than the physical. Thoughts of the blood, the calories and the Holstein imprison her. The monster seated beside her holds the key.
    After he detaches her and leaves, she retrieves a mirror she tucked beneath the mattress. In it, she sees nothing but lumps of lard and reasons for loathing. She could break it, if she wished. A simple slice to her wrists and it would all be over…the dread, the pain, the suffering. Kill herself with her own reflection. She looks into her eyes and asks the question she’s asked herself many times: Do you want to die?
    Well? Do you or don’t you?
    T ears fall down her cheeks. She can’t explain her answer, but―no, she truly doesn’t. Is it the woman in the