Into the Tomorrows (Bleeding Hearts Book 1) by Whitney Barbetti Read Free Book Online Page B

conversation about hiking with the barista. It was so very Colin.
    I was never constant in my desires—wavering back and forth between running away from Colin and from staying put. In the end, staying put always won because it was safe.
    Safe, safe, safe. I should tattoo the word over my heart, as my mother had with an ex-boyfriend’s name.
    When he returned with our drinks, he set a piece of cheesecake in front of me.
    I stared at it for a moment before looking at him.
    “You love cheesecake,” he said easily, as if reminding me of the things I enjoyed was part of his job.
    I placed my fingers on the edge of the plate, ready to push it from me and toward him. Ellie loved cheesecake. She’d loved it so much she’d dressed as a slice of cheesecake for junior year Halloween. It was a piece she left me with—Ellie and her cheesecake. And Colin had given me a literal piece of it, not realizing how tied to grief it was.
    With my fingers poised on the plate, I looked at Colin. He was already peeling the wrapper from his muffin, oblivious to the turbulence within me.
    I nearly told him Ellie loved cheesecake, but saying it in the past tense aloud was something I didn’t want to commit to. So instead, I picked up the fork and dug into the slice, placing it on my tongue and letting it dissolve.
    I didn’t hate cheesecake; it was just another dessert. But I’d never claimed to love it. And the fact that Colin had purchased it for me thinking it was me who loved it made me think, at least he’s trying.
    After two bites, I couldn’t do it anymore. I pushed the plate to Colin and he raised his eyebrows. “Not hungry?”
    I was full of feelings. “No. Eat it.”
    I looked out the window as he ate, regretting coming to Colorado. My face warmed from the stress of that moment and I pressed my tongue hard against the roof of my mouth as I tried to suppress the tears.
    “What is it?”
    I shook my head, refused to look at him.
    “Come on, Trista.”
    I turned my head, looked at his now empty plate. “Can we go for a walk?”
    His eyes changed once I said that. There was a distinct shift in their color, as if he’d dimmed the light behind them.
    “Sure.”
    I grasped the cup of tea, holding it tight, as we walked out the front door and along the sidewalk. Just past the café there was a man-made lake, and we stopped at the railing over it.
    “What’s wrong?”
    I closed my eyes and let the sun warm my face. “You say that like it’s one thing.”
    “It’s more?”
    I opened my eyes and turned to him. “Yes.” His face was emotionless, as if he’d just put up a wall to keep me from hurting him. The fact that he thought I could was a surprise.
    “Start with the smallest thing.”
    “Why the smallest?”
    “Easier to handle.” He shrugged. Colin was afraid, I knew. Small things could be big, too.
    I thought of everything that was wrong. How could I put the way I felt into words? “I don’t even know, Colin. I don’t know how to do this.”
    The words rushed from my mouth before I could anchor them to my throat. It was the most honest I’d been with Colin, and I ached from the lies I’d told him until this moment.
    “Do what?”
    I pointed to him and then to me. “Us. How do we do you and me?”
    “We just love each other.”
    I swallowed. “Maybe love isn’t enough. God, Colin. We haven’t seen each other in five months and I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t all that sad about it.” The words kept tumbling from my lips. I could let him go—I’d still be safe. But if I let him go, who would I be? I’d lost Ellie, my home and, on occasion, my mind. If I lost Colin, I’d lose myself completely.
    I curled my hands around the railing, squeezed, and said the truth. “I should be sad. I should be missing you so much that coming here would be a relief. But it isn’t.”
    He made a noise and his pain echoed in me. It was a terrible truth, but I didn’t want to lie about it. I looked at him and he