I've Been Deader by Adam Sifre Read Free Book Online

Osborne didn't relish the idea of driving up to the emergency room dickless and in a yellow Volkswagen bug, but it beat bleeding to death.
    He opened the door and took a painful step outside.
    His last breathing thought was:
    What are all these people doing outside?
     
     

Chapter 9
     
    Eating Aleta
     
    After Aleta tried to reject his advances, Fred aimlessly walked the streets, heartbroken and disgusted. He knew it was more infatuation than love but he couldn't get the image of her out of his mind, or the taste of her out of his mouth.
    Eventually he found himself in some breather's backyard, leaning against the trunk of a large weeping willow. Its long whip-like branches hid him from the breather's home a few dozen yards away. Waiting for darkness to fall, he kept replaying in his mind’s eye the final encounter with Aleta.
    He gently smashed his head against the willow trunk.
    Stupid, stupid, stupid , he thought.
    "Braaaainnnsss ..." he moaned.
    I am without a doubt the sorriest excuse for a zombie anyone's ever seen. Mooning over a woman like some high-school Romeo.
    He looked at the note in his hand and immediately felt like an even bigger idiot. It was written in crayon because he found it easier to hold than a pen. His hand-eye coordination wasn't what it used to be. Even so, it took him half the day to finish and it looked like the work of an eight-year-old suffering Ritalin withdrawal.
    He doubted anyone other than himself would even be able to make out the words. Not that he was planning on publishing. Like all poets, however, in his dead heart of hearts, Fred wrote for an audience.
    What was I thinking? I'm a monster. I eat living flesh and brains. And I've got no prospects . He knew he wasn't exactly Brad Pitt when he was alive, and shambling around in mortified flesh for the past few months hadn't scored him any points in the romance department.
    He stopped battering the tree. Bits of bark had embedded themselves into his forehead, but he was too depressed to care.
    I had to be an idiot to think she'd ever be interested in me. Zombies do not fall in love, asshole .
    He looked at the note in his hands, still readable in the fading light.
    A bird can't swim, and a fish won't fly , he thought. And a zombie's gotta do what a zombie's gotta do .
    Fred crushed the paper in his hands and let it fall to the ground. Parting the curtain of willow fronds, he made his way to the back of the breather's house just as the sun set.
     
Eating Aleta
By Fred - last name forgotten

Unlife is funny.
In my mind, we sit together
on a quiet bench,
in an abandoned street,
in the dead of night.
I do not drag you, broken and bleeding
heart still beating,
to the seclusion of the alley
in the shadow of a dumpster.
In my mind, I spoke the same confession
made by countless lovers;
only wanting to drink you in,
hungry for your touch.
I do not ignore the screams
I've heard countless times before,
or hunger for your flesh.
I do not feast on you as you push against me.
In my mind, you warm to me,
you really get me,
appreciate the little things about me
unable to keep me out of your thoughts
and pleasant daydreams.
I do not tear into you, my sweet Aleta,
taking from you little things, here and there.
I do not shamble from the dumpster
with the thought of you on my lips,
and a bit of you in my teeth.
In my mind ...
     
     

Chapter 10
     
    Jenny's Journal
     
    Stapled to the forehead of a male, approximately thirty-five years of age, Asian descent. Both hands severed and found near body.
     
    Jenny's Journal, Sept 4
 
Timothy Foxwood, the self-righteous prick and president of the Shadyfarms Condo Association, was over yesterday afternoon with a petition signed by almost every owner, stating that Mom was not permitted to have any pets henceforth. Can you believe it actually said 'henceforth'? Poor Sparky's barely stopped smoking and now this. I can't prove anything of course, but I'm certain this was in retaliation for the hamster incident of