Jumping Off Swings by Jo Knowles Read Free Book Online Page B

I haven’t worn them since that night and won’t ever again, even though they were new and it took me five stores to find them — they fit me just right and were the perfect amount of faded in all the right places and even skinny Corinne was jealous.
    I wish I could tell her how every time I see any of those boys in the hall now, I have to run to the bathroom to get sick. Only until now, until I ate her wonderful bread, I hadn’t eaten enough to throw up, so only slimy mucus came out and I had to spit hard to get it out of my mouth.
    I wish I could tell her how I have to wait for everyone in the bathroom to leave before I can come out so no one will know it was me getting sick in there. How I just want to cry but I can’t, because if I start, I know that I will never stop.
    I wish I could call and tell her what’s really wrong. That I need help.
    But Luke knocks on my door and asks if he can have the phone. Maya’s cell died, and she needs to call her friend Sky about homework. He grins at me because we both know that Sky is who they get their stash from, and soon he’ll be high and everything will be better for him. He doesn’t notice that I’m not smiling back. He doesn’t know that inside me there’s this baby and that pretty soon I’m going to get rid of it. And no one besides Corinne will ever know the baby existed. He just happily takes the phone from me.
    So I can’t call Liz. I can’t call and tell her what’s happening to me.
    I can’t call and ask her what I should do.
    I can’t.

“B ANG ANYONE LATELY? ” Kyle looks at me with a shit-eating grin. The locker room is hot and wet and smells like Dave’s feet, as usual.
    “What’s it to you?” I say. I’m so tired of this routine.
    Kyle shrugs. He’s still sweating, even though he already showered. He sprays some deodorant under his arms. I step back. I don’t know what brand it is, but it smells like one of those lame air fresheners my dad puts in the cars he works on to thank customers for giving him business.
    “Well, if you’re interested, there’s a party at Ben’s this weekend.” He turns away from me and opens his locker. It’s totally organized. His regular clothes hang perfectly from the hooks, not all bunched in a heap like mine.
    “Cool,” I say. But I know I won’t go.
    Lately it’s like I’m living in some kind of dream. I’m walking down this hallway, and there are things happening behind the doors I pass. The people inside see me, but I only stop for a second to look in, then keep moving.
    There’s my dad, talking on the phone with Mike, having the same conversation they’ve had every Saturday since I can remember. Even though he’s laughing, he looks sad. Like he’s given up on himself.
    Then there’s Dave and the other guys in the locker room, pushing each other around, kidding about who they’ve felt up and fingered and who they still haven’t but wish they could.
    And Caleb, giving me that
I know the real you
look.
    There’s my mom in the kitchen, rushing to work every morning. She looks like she wants to say something to me, but instead she just turns away and hurries out the door.
    And finally there’s the room I don’t look in at all. The one with Ellie in it. I rush right by that one.
    “Don’t forget the party,” Kyle says as he slams his locker shut.
    “Yeah,” I say. I pick up my stuff and wonder again if I should just quit soccer to avoid all this bullshit. I could take a study hall instead. I could use it to pick up my grades, because I am definitely getting out of this hellhole as soon as I graduate.
    The instructor in my Intro to Architecture course told me I was good. Teachers never tell me that shit. So, who knows? Maybe I could actually go to college and escape.
    When I get home, the house is empty. There’s a message on the machine from my mom. She’s working late again and says there’s money on the table for takeout, only when I look, there’s nothing there, which means my dad