Just Stupid! by Andy Griffiths and Terry Denton Read Free Book Online

don’t believe it! A trampoline.
       I land on my stomach and bounce down so hard that for a moment I feel the ground through the thin layer of trampoline rubber. But it’s only for a moment. I shoot back up into the air. Away from the trampoline. Away from the backyard and towards a high wooden fence. I think I’m going to make it, but it’s going to be close.
       I flap my arms to give me extra lift.
       I skim over the top of the fence . . . but only just. A nail catches my undies and they’re pulled off me as I sail over.
       I’m flying through the air.
       Naked.
       Actually it’s not such a bad feeling. In fact it’s kind of nice. I can feel the wind on places I’ve never felt the wind on before.
       And my luck seems to be holding.

       I’m heading for a swimming pool!
       It seems strangely familiar.
       A man and a woman are lying on banana lounges by the side of the pool. They seem familiar too, but I haven’t got time to work out why. I have to prepare for splashdown.
       I close my eyes and make my body into an upside-down ‘V shape so that I don’t go too deep.
       SPLASH!
       A perfect landing.
       I swim to the surface, shake my head and wipe my eyes.
       Uh-oh.
       Now I know why the man and the woman look familiar.
       It’s my dad’s boss. And his wife.
       ‘Hi, Mr Bainbridge! Hi, Mrs Bainbridge!’ I say. ‘Just thought I’d drop in.’
       I don’t know why they are looking so surprised. It’s not like this is the first time I’ve appeared in front of them, without warning, without my pants. There was the time I got stuck in their bathroom window. And the time I fell through the dining room roof. But to be fair, I guess this is the most spectacular.

       ‘I guess you’re wondering how I got here,’ I say. ‘Well I can explain . . .’
       Mr Bainbridge holds up his hand.
       ‘No, please don’t, Andy,’ he says, getting up out of his chair. ‘It’s not necessary. I’ll just go and ring your father.’
       Mrs Bainbridge is holding her hands up to her eyes. Mr Bainbridge helps her up and they go inside.
       I kick back and float across the pool.
       I can’t believe it. I survived. That was the most terrifying ride of my life.
       I can’t wait to get home, fix up the pram and do it all over again.

s far as I’m concerned the only good thing about fancy restaurants is that they have candles on the tables.

       ‘Watch this,’ I say to Danny.
       I pass my hand slowly through the candle flame and then hold it up to show him the black mark left on my fingers.
       ‘How tough is that?’ I say.
       ‘That’s nothing,’ says Danny. ‘Watch this!’
       Danny rolls up his sleeve and passes his hand across the flame. But he doesn’t keep going. He stops halfway. The candle is burning him. Danny is crazy.
       He jerks his hand out of the flame and shakes it back and forth.
       ‘Ouch, ooch, itch, utch, eech,’ he says. He bites his lip and looks up at the ceiling.

       ‘I beg your pardon?’ I say.
       ‘Hot,’ he says, shaking his hand. ‘Really hot!’
       Mum gives us a withering look.
       ‘Would you stop that!’ she says.
       ‘Stop what?’ I say.
       ‘Stop playing with the candles.’
       ‘We’re not playing,’ I say. ‘We’re performing amazing feats of bravery and endurance.’
       She gives me another withering look. It’s even more withering than the last one. In fact it’s the witheringest look I’ve ever received. I’m surprised that the little pink flowers in the middle of the table didn’t just keel over and die from it.
       ‘Just don’t,’ she says.
       I sigh and slump in my chair.
       I thought tonight would be boring—but not this boring. I didn’t want to come, but Mum insisted. She won a meal for four in a radio competition and thought it would be nice to take the family out somewhere special. Jen got out of it because it’s