Kiss Me Like You Mean It by Dr. David Clarke Read Free Book Online Page B

and will not survive under these circumstances. Nitpicking negativity is one of Satan’s most effective tools for destroying a marriage.
    I’m not saying that these kind of annoying, irritating behaviors don’t ever need to be addressed. Some need to be ignored, but some need to be changed. What I’m saying is that you must not allow your spouse’s flaws to outnumber your spouse’s good qualities in your mind. Also, when you begin to deliberately insert positive comments and compliments, watch how they squeeze out the negatives.
    When you and your mate are maintaining a huge, regular flow of positives, that’s when negatives and weaknesses can be tackled and fixed.
    Solomon and Shulamith did not complain about each other’s imperfections. Quite the opposite.

6
    “You’re the Most Wonderful Person in the World”
    Some time ago, I saw a couple in their fifties in marital therapy. When I came out to my lobby to meet them before their first session, they were sitting on opposite sides of the room. Not a good sign. It became clear quite soon that they hated each other’s guts. The atmosphere in my therapy office was thick with their mutual resentment and bitterness.
    They told me their story, and it was an ugly one. Multiple affairs. Domestic violence. Bitter disagreements over money and parenting. Verbal abuse. Chronic, nasty conflict over a wide variety of petty issues. At least sex wasn’t a problem: they hadn’t had sex for twenty years. They slept in separate bedrooms.
    About halfway through the session, I thought to myself: “This is one of the worst marriages I’ve ever seen.” At the end of the session, when it was time to give my evaluation, I said, “I have to be honest with you. Your marriage is awful. Unbelievably bad. It’s not even a marriage. It’s more of an ongoing feud. But with God’s help and hard work, your marriage can be fixed. It can be a great marriage. The first step is to create some positive flow in your relationship.”
    I stepped to my huge window, opened the blinds, and said, “As you can see, this window has a complete view of the parking lot. I’ll be standing here watching, and I want to see you holding hands as you walk to your car. If you’re not holding hands, I will rap on the window.”
    If looks could kill, I would have been murdered on the spot. I thought for one frantic moment they weren’t going to pay me. They thought I was crazy, and they told me so. But they did it! As I watched, they held hands on the way to their car. It was awkward and forced for the first ten steps, but then something clicked, and I could tell they were enjoying it. There was a spark of life between them. This couple had a lot of hard work to do over the next three months of therapy, but the change in their marriage began with the simple act of holding hands.
    Solomon and Shulamith would love this story. It illustrates a truth about marriage that they live out in the Song: Positives Produce Passion.
    Praise, Praise, and More Praise
    The positives in the Song come in the form of verbal praise. A lot of it. Solomon and Shulamith aren’t shy about complimenting each other. They are effusive in their praise. They quite literally gush over each other’s positive qualities. Why? Because they know this results in passion. And passion is what they want!
    Over and over in the Song, the same progression is illustrated by the two lovers: praise first, followed by passion.
    “Kiss Me, Mr. Olive Oil”
    Shulamith (1:2–3)
“May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!
For your love is better than wine.
Your oils have a pleasing fragrance,
Your name is like purified oil . . .”
    Shulamith wants his wonderful kisses. She praises his love and compares him to pure olive oil. In that day, olive oil was rare and precious. She is complimenting him on his purity and goodness.
    Shulamith (1:4)
“Draw me after you and let us run together!
The king has brought me into his chambers.”
    Chambers? What are