Kiss Me Like You Mean It by Dr. David Clarke Read Free Book Online

overlooked early in the relationship can grow into mountains of intolerance and resentment. The husband begins to focus more and more on the negative traits of his wife. And the wife does the same thing with her husband.
    All this negativity sucks the joy and love right out of the relationship. Appreciation of the positives that got you married in the first place fade away. The spontaneity and thrill of passion is replaced by the dullness and frustration of resentment.
    When I see a married couple in therapy, my initial job is to get the spouses to stop the negative flow and start a positive flow. Let me tell you, it’s a tough job. Each partner is zeroed in on the faults of the other, and the blame game is in full swing.
    When I tell husbands and wives their first assignment is to write a letter detailing their own faults in the marriage, they are horrified. I’m met with stunned silence which quickly turns into protestations of “but our problems are my spouse’s fault.”
    In over twenty-one years of seeing couples in therapy, I have heard just about every marital complaint you could possibly imagine. Here’s a brief list including my comments to the complaining spouse. I think you’ll recognize most of these. (And, yes, I am trying to make you feel guilty.)
    “She’s Overweight!”
    Husband: “Doc, I’m just not physically attracted to my wife anymore. We’ve had two kids, and her body isn’t the same as when we got married. The extra weight she’s carrying is a real turn-off. I have never been attracted to overweight women. I don’t want to make love to her. Frankly, I don’t even like being around her. I have brought up her weight a number of times, and each time she’s gotten very angry and hurt. She runs crying to our bedroom, and I feel like the bad guy.”
    Dave Clarke: “You ought to feel like the bad guy, because you are the bad guy. You moron! When was the last time you looked in the mirror? You’re not exactly male model material. You might be able to model underwear for a store called Big, Paunchy, and Out of Shape . We didn’t have two kids, either. She gave birth to those babies. Pregnancy changes a woman’s body. Let’s put an eight-pound bowling ball in your belly, have you carry it around for nine months, and then squeeze it between your legs. I’ll bet your hips will change too. Your critical comments are destroying her self-esteem and her love for you. She already feels inadequate compared to all those glamorous, surgically enhanced babes in the media. Now, you’ve convinced her that she’s ugly. Go home, fall on your knees, and beg her forgiveness. I’d throw in some serious groveling while you’re at it. Then tell her often she’s beautiful. In time, she will gain confidence.”
    “He’s a Lazy Bum!”
    Wife: “I can’t seem to get my husband to do much of anything around the house. He works hard and makes a good living, but I do ninety percent of the household chores. What drives me batty is he’ll promise to do a chore but then won’t do it. He’ll tell me, ‘I’ll do it later,’ but later never comes. He forgets, and I end up doing it. I refuse to let him get away with being a slacker. I keep after him every day, asking him to do jobs and pointing out the jobs he hasn’t done. I get pretty sharp with him, but I feel like I have to light a fire under him. He says, ‘I can’t please you,’ but that’s a cop out.”
    Dave Clarke: “You are a world-class nag. I’m sure you don’t want to be, but you are. You’re pecking him to death. It’s a form of torture. A man never responds to that kind of treatment. He’s a slacker at home. You’re right. But continually criticizing him won’t motivate him. His feeling that he can’t please you is real. When a man believes he can’t win, he quits trying. Plus, being a nag makes you miserable. Start praising him for his hard work at his job. Praise him for every job he does around the house. Praise him for the